Pre-marital Sax

Top Albums of the Year

2008-12-16T00:04:00.004-05:00

Here are my favorite albums of the year. The following caveats apply:

I'm not rich or immoral enough to procure every single CD released this year (sorry My Morning Jacket, Kings of Leon, Bon Iver, Wolf Parade, etc), so these are just the favorites that I own.
They are in the order of how much I enjoyed them, so this is VERY subjective.
If there's an indie music lover in your life, any of the CD's would make wonderful Winter Solstice gifts.

1. Mates of State - Re-Arrange Us.
2. Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours.
3. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend.
4. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular.
5. Ra Ra Riot- The Rhumb Line.
6. Los Campesinos- We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed.
7. Passion Pit- Chunk of Change.
8. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive.
9. Flight of the Conchords- Flight of the Conchords
10. Fleet Foxes- Fleet Foxes
11. m83 - Saturdays = Youth
12. Black Kids- Partie Traumatic
13. Noah and the Whale - Peaceful, The World Lays Me Down
14. Kate Nash - Made of Bricks
15. Cold War Kids- Loyalty to Loyalty

An Acorn Saved Is An Acorn Earned

2008-12-15T23:40:00.002-05:00

Looks like humans aren't the only one holding onto all their assets during these tough economic times:

LINK

Latin Legal Terms Defined

2008-10-12T20:03:00.003-04:00

Because the legal community is somewhat (ahem) pretentious, lawyers like to use Latin terms even when good old King’s English would clearly suffice. It does, however, give otherwise uninteresting phrases a certain air of significance. Imagine if instead of saying “et tu, Brute?” Caesar had sent Brutus a text message saying “u2, br00te?” I don’t think that line would have achieved quite the same prominence throughout history. But with great significance can come great confusion, so here’s a handy guide to translate some Latin phrases that you might have come across in your legal studies that you were unsure of their meaning:

Arguendo- Arguendo is actually a spell from Harry Potter. When spoken by the right wizard it will convince any trial court judge to grant a summary judgment motion (is ineffective on appellate or supreme court judges). Example: So, in conclusion, the Court shall grant my motion. ARGUENDO!!!

De Jure- De is Latin for “of,” and jure is Latin for “jury.” So this phrase means “of the jury.” Example: Which one of those middle-aged Anne Rice-reading women do you think is the hottest de jure?

Dicta- Dicta is actually Latin profanity, meaning “dickish.” Example: That jerk lawyer is acting really dicta today.

Ex Parte- Ex Parte is a seldom-used Latin term referring to an amputated body part. Example: I still feel a little tingling in my amputated ex parte.

Gravamen- Gravamen are baristas (not barristers) who brew a Nicaraguan blend of Java called Grava. Example: Did you remember to tip the Gravaman for that cup?

Habeas corpus- I have no idea what this means, but don’t worry about it. If it’s not important to the Bush Administration, it probably won’t come up in your legal career. Example: I’m not sure what habeas corpus means.

In flagrante delicto- This means getting caught doing something illegal while having sex. Or being caught doing something illegal while on fire. I believe it’s also a John Legend song. Example: The pants-less man burned down that house in flagrante delicto.

Mens rea-“Mens” obviously means men’s and I believe “rea” means penis. Example: You know what they say about coldblooded killers with big hands: they have large mens reas.

Persona non grata- “Grata” means free, so this phrase literally means “person not free.” It’s usually used in reference to prostitution. Example: I slept with a hot girl last night, unfortunately she was persona non grata and my wallet is a little emptier today.

Prima Facie- Lawyers are often said to be two-faced. Well, this phrase refers to their first face. Example: His second face was a lot uglier than his prima facie.

Pro Bono- This term refers to sexually promiscuous gay men and heterosexual women. Example: Did you hear that Clay Aiken announced he is pro bono?

Respondeat Superior- A respondeat superior is the best answerer in any given law class. Example: I wish that respondeat superior would quit raising her hand; she’s really putting me to shame.

Supra- Lawyers don’t know how to spell “super” like a normal person. Example: Supra our earlier conversation, Supraman needs to stop at the supramarket to pick up some eggs for Lois Lane.

Ultra Vires- Ultra vires is actually a sexual disease. Trust me, you don’t want to catch ultra vires. Example: I’m sorry, sir, but you’ve tested positive for the ultra vires. Have you been having unprotected sex with personas non gratas?

The Election Thus Far (taken from the Docket)

2008-10-05T12:40:00.002-04:00

Just a month away from the most important American presidential election since 1496 (I think Columbus beat Squanto that year), I thought it would be a good idea to re-examine how we got here. With 24-hour cable news channels and an army of sun-deprived bloggers typing away at their keyboards, it is easy to forget what happened 5 days ago, let alone 5 months ago. So how did the two major parties nominate an African-American Muslim, an octogenarian prison camp survivor and a small-town mayor who went to 5 different colleges and may or may not think dinosaurs existed? OK, McCain’s not quite 80, and Obama’s not really a Muslim, but still….

After Bill Clinton’s competent presidency, people were pretty content with the status quo. Both parties spent the next two elections nominating the most boring white male candidates they could find. In 2000, the Republicans nominated a Yale/Harvard graduate with a southern accent (bor-ing) and a creature who, besides the fact that he was 100 percent pure evil, was nothing special. The Democrats out-boring-ed them with the two most boring candidates every nominated: a carbon conserving robot and a man (Lieberman) who is so uninteresting words cannot begin to describe him. Then in 2004, the Republicans nominated the same guys, and the Democrats nominated a windbag senator with a WASP-ier name than I have, and your typical, garden variety Kentucky Fried populist with a 400 dollar hair cut.

But then something happened that changed the whole equation. The second Bush administration decided to ignore a hurricane-ravaged city, blundered their way to losing two separate wars at the same time, attempted to privatize Social Security (which would be an utter disaster today given the current stock market), and nominated a serious of incompetent neo-cons to important government positions. George Bush Junior managed to kill any faith Americans had in any politicians, and people become so disgruntled they were open to new things.

So that environment led us to where we are today. Boring white male Democrats like Evan Bayh, John Edwards, Tom Vilsack and Mark Warner never had a chance. So we were left with the first woman candidate and the first candidate with a Kenyan father and a Kansan mother (at least the first one since Spiro Agnew). The Republicans responded with the first major candidate to wear secret underwear (yes, Mormons actually do that), the oldest non-incumbent candidate, and the first bass-playing evangelical. The old man then nominated someone from an area as geographically as far as possible from Washington, D.C. without violating the Constitution. Someone from an area so distant that an omnipresent Vladimir Putin looms overhead like a disco ball at a roller rink. She was the perfect vice-presidential candidate in a time in which Americans distrusted politicians: she doesn’t seem like a politician. She seems like that friendly Mom down the street who makes great desserts but thinks we should ban books and charge rape victims for their rape kits.

So, what should we expect for the next month? It has seemed like it’s a race between Obama and Palin, because those are the two most interesting candidates, but it’s actually Obama v. McCain. And as interesting as it is that John McCain is actually older than duct tape and the Golden Gate Bridge, he is a pretty boring white male with a Scarlet R attached to his name when it is all said and done. It’s not a coincidence that the only time this whole year McCain was ahead in the polls was right after Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention. Since in the end it will be Obama v. McCain, Obama is going to win easily, with at least 310 electoral votes. And after Obama solves every single one of America’s problems over the next 8 years with style and charisma, Americans are going to vote for boring Washington insiders again.

Advice for 1L's (taken from the Docket)

2008-09-15T16:03:00.002-04:00

Tips For 1L’s

As a grizzled veteran of the 1L year/ordeal/civil war, I’d like to offer some advice to the bright-eyed/blissfully unaware of their coming doom/bushy-tailed Class of 2011. It’s not as bad as everyone makes it sound, and if you follow my sage advice it will be even easier. Here are 8 tips to help you make it through: Briefs. Don’t write them. Or wear them. (Wait, I might have to re-think the latter. You’ll eventually need to pass something called “Character and Fitness,” and I don’t think a Britney Spears-esque picture would reflect well on either.) A lot of your professors and friends might tell you that you need to brief every case. Not true. You’re not going to need them come exam time if you take good notes, and who cares if you look like an idiot in class? If anything, your apparent idiocy will lull your classmates into a curve-loosening false sense of self-confidence.
AEP. I don’t know what this is, since I’ve never actually gone to a meeting. I always thought it was that Jewish fraternity, AEPi, but I think it actually stands for Academic Enhancement Psssssssh. If you’re completely clueless on how to study it could help, but I think you’re better off friending an upperclassmen who already had the professor, buying him/her/me a beer and getting the lowdown (I had Leatherberry, Mehlman and Katz, FWIW).
The Law Library elevator is incredibly slow, but if you manually push the door closed and then press the “CLOSE DOOR” button, it actually moves at a decent speed. What, you didn’t think I could give actual useful advice without a bit of snark or sarcasm, did you?
Spam. Tired of getting Case Daily emails, emails about refrigerator cleanup, and those initially tempting and then always disappointing “Minority Scholarship” emails? If you’re like me and don’t have a diverse bone in your body (except for my left elbow, which is actually very diverse- part titanium), why not set up an email spam blocker? Set it up so that every time the words “minority scholarship,” “refrigerator,” or “Final Paper due” show up it immediately goes to trash. This will save time, and prevent you from getting upset at your mom for sleeping with your Anglo Dad instead of that Portuguese carpet cleaner, killing any chance of you being diverse. Or maybe it’s just me that thinks that.

If you’re like me and weren’t born in raised in Cleveland or Shaker or any other locality on the “Northern Coast,” you may have to make some adjustments.

As tempted as you’ll be to make “Cleveland steamer” jokes, please don’t. I’d like to think that as grad students that we’ve reached a level of maturity that we don’t need to resort to cheap bodily excrement jokes to get a laugh. Fartburpcrap.
There’s a local football team in town that you may have heard of? Browns or something like that? Everyone from Cleveland loves them like that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who treated you like garbage but still has a spell on you. No matter how awful their behavior is, and how bad she is at pass coverage when Ben Roethlisberger gets time to throw, you can’t shake your love for them. I made the mistake of wearing Lions gear to a Browns game last year. In spite of it being preseason, and that the two teams play in different conferences, and that the only rivalry they have is for who can get an earlier draft pick, they still pointed and chanted “a$$h@!#” at me. If I was wearing Steelers gear and it was regular season, I imagine I would be eating through a tube right now.
If you’re from a state that has a sensible speed limit (ie any state but this one), you may be surprised by the glacial speeds people drive here. I’ve seen 5-lane roads with a 25 (!) mph speed limit. Not only are the speed limits low, but the police (Cleveland Heights cops especially) patrol for speeders like the Stasi for anti-socialists in East Berlin (didn’t get that reference? Rent “The Lives of Others.” You’ll thank me later.) So you have two options: drive at a normal speed and pay a lot of tickets, or make like the Romans do and live with moving at what can only affectionately be referred to as “Amish speed.” Your choice.
Panini’s. No matter how hard you try, you’re going to end up at that godforsaken place most weekends. Accept that fact, live with it, and don’t worry if the next morning you have to re-assess who you had thought you were. That disturbing feeling will eventually pass. Unfortunately, the “1L Fifteen” you’ll gain from all those $2.50 rum and cokes probably will not.

Revisting Predictions

2008-05-07T10:27:00.004-04:00

Did you hear that noise yesterday? That was the sound of Hillary Clinton's campaign finally dying. I think everyone will finally realize what I knew 2 whole months and a million attack ads ago: her chances are about as good as Mike Huckabee to win more delegate than Barack. Here's what I said way back on March 9 (a long time for this crazy primary season)

He continues to win smaller states (plus Mississippi, Oregon, and North Carolina), she gets some minor victories, picks up a good amount of delegates in PA, and makes it seem like she has a legitimate shot of winning it. But by the time the primaries are over, he has a substantial lead in the overall delegates, and the Superdelegates rush over to him to finally decide the race.

How could I predict things so well? Do I have a crystal ball covered in magic tea leaves draped in tarot cards? Have I made a pact with the devil, giving him my soul in order to make my predictions correct on my crappy website?

No, although I do have the devil in my five (thanks T-Mobile, it's saved me a bundle during law school exams). The point of the matter is that this race has been fixed ever since Wisconsin. Both candidates have their constituencies that are not going to change, and the layout of the states since Super Tuesday was not such that Hillary could ever catch up. If you've donated any money to the Clinton campaign since the Wisconsin primary in February, I'm sorry. You would have spent your money better investing in pogs (I hear they're flying off the shelves) or a complete wardrobe of slap bracelets.

So, it's over. What now? Let's see if I can do as well predicting the general election. When Obama officially becomes the nominee, he'll get a bump in the polls and pull ahead of John McCain in some key states. A series of attack ads from 501c3's will bring Obama's negatives up, and he'll start to look pretty bad. But in the end, I predict he will win by a large margin, winning Ohio, Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, and a couple of states out West that were not expected. Stay tuned.

Play for Detroit, or in Iraq?

2008-04-27T21:49:00.003-04:00

The NFL draft was the weekend, otherwise known as the Lions Super Bowl. But what had to be the best story was this one: an Army would have to go to Iraq if he didn't catch on with a team, and our favourite GM, Matthew Millen took a flyer on him in the 7th Round. What a great story, I really hope he makes the team, and he probably is on the easiest team to make in the NFL (if you can't crack the Lions' depth chart at Linebacker, you're not going to be make it on anyone's team).

Fearless Premarital Predictions: Mike Hart will not be cut, Shawn Crable will contribute to the Pats on special teams this year, Jake Long won't disappoint, Chad Henne will be the starter by Week 10, the Lions won't get anything out of any of their picks past the 3rd round, Adrian Arrington will be a better pro than Mario Manningham, and Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan will become journeyman QB's in 4 years. Be sure to check Me Vs. Millen to see who the Lions should have drafted.

Obama Gets Even Better

2008-04-01T12:50:00.004-04:00

Readers of this site may know that I'm an unabashed Obamafan. Just when I think he can't get any better, he does. Check out this quote from the politico:

"We have been trying to eliminate the penny for quite some time -- it always comes back," Obama said. "I need to find out who is lobbying to keep the penny."

Yes! Finally someone in power is looking logically at the penny problem, and is willing to eliminate it. My loyal readers may remember that this is one of my pet issues, as I called out pennies back in July of 2006. Pennies are a parasite on the American economy, and a worthless relic from a bygone era.

But just to prove that he's not perfect, Obama did leave use with this gem:

"I will seriously consider eliminating the penny as long as we find another place for Lincoln to land."

My wallet may be pretty empty right now, but I'm pretty sure Lincoln "landed" on the five dollar bill way back in 1914. Maybe we can make a 2 dollar coin (like the Euro), and put Lincoln's face on it. Or better yet, let's use 50 Cent (although that may cause some confusion).

Happy Friday!

2008-03-21T14:49:00.004-04:00

I hope you're all enjoying watching March Madness as much as I am... except for Kansas State, you are dead to me for beating USC.

First of all, for anyone who is fan of my Lions posts, I highly recommend my brother's new blog, Me vs. Millen, in which he competes against Millen to see who is the better GM (probably my brother).

Secondly, the New York Times is joining CNN and Deadspin as media outlets that steal from me. This article makes a lot of the same arguments my most recent post did (although their article didn't have the writing style of a 5th grader and they actually interviewed people).

And finally, for all the Michigan football fans out there, the University is changing their seating priority policy to give undergraduate seniors precedence over grad students, even if they did their undergrad at Michigan. For those of who were seniors who had to sit behind grad students and who may be a grad student and have to sit behind seniors I'm a little perturbed. What, b/c we're grad students, we're not as good of fans? Can't we grandfather those of us in from the class of '06? Especially those of us pursuing a law degree, who may use those same skills to bring a lawsuit? I'm not saying I'm going to sue Michigan over their seating priority standards (especially since I'm not currently a student), but I'll bring the strongest legal argument I've learned: C'monnnn!!!

PreMarital Predictions!

2008-03-09T23:51:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've made any predictions, prognostications, or Guaran-Sheeds. And this is probably a long time coming. In all honesty, I could have done this weeks ago. Barack Obama is already the Democratic nominee. I'm not just saying that because I'm an unabashed Obama man. I'm saying that because one of the following two things has to happen for Clinton to win:

1. She wins more elected delegates than he does (virtually impossible)
2. The SuperDelegates vote for the candidate who won less pledged votes from primaries/caucuses (caucci?)

To win the nomination she needs more delegates than Obama; either more elected delegates or more superdelegates. Let's take these two things one at a time:

Pass Him in Pledged Delegates
You can do it yourself if you don't believe me, but under any reasonable simulation, she can't pass him (I love how one candidate is a man and the other a woman, it makes pronoun usage so much easier). You can give her 60 percent of the vote in every remaining primary, and he still has 23 more pledged delegates than she does. And there is no way she is going to be able to do that. Being way more realistic, if we give him narrow wins in Mississippi, Oregon, and North Carolina (he obliterated her in the sister states of Alabama, Washington, and South Carolina, respectively), he's up by almost 80 delegates. Somehow counting Florida and Michigan will not bridge that gap. In all likelihood, he's going to have more than 100 delegate lead, which means she has to go option B, which is....

Win Over the Superdelegates
No matter how far ahead he gets, us Obama fans are worried that she is going to pull some Clinton magic out of her hat and steal the nomination from him at the last minute. And the superdelegate thing is confusing, and she has the advantage, so that will surely screw him over in the end, right? Wrong.

Once again, we're going to have to dive into the numbers, so bear with me here. Keep in mind that the 794 superdelegates can change their vote at any time and for any reason before the Convention. Right now, she has 254 superdelegates to his 215. So 469 superdelegates have announced who they are supporting. What about the other 325? If you're a paranoid Obama fan, you imagine evil super Democrats, sipping lattes and scheming for a way to take the election properly won by a black man and give it to a Clinton. But let's look at this realistically: since Super Tuesday, he has picked up 45, and she has lost 6. That means that there have been 39 new people who have announced who they're supporting, and all 39 (more or less) have announced they're supporting Barack! So basically, when he won 11 primaries in a row, and essentially drew her to a tie in Ohio/Texas/Vermont/R.I. Day, the superdelegates moved to him like retired Michigan wusses to Florida.

What does this mean? It means there's probably a reason that 325 superdelegates haven't announced who they're supporting. Those are the people who think the superdelegate system is stupid, and are waiting for all the primaries to end before they vote. They probably believe in democracy, and are waiting to cast their vote for the democratically-elected winner. If you have followed me so far (I probably lost most of you by now, sorry this is a long post, but I need to get it off my chest), Barack has won the pledged votes, and will win so many superdelegates that he will have it wrapped up and she will have to concede. There is no Clinton magic spell that she can cast to overcome those basic truths (maybe she minored in miracles?). How many of those uncommitted 325 do you think are so hardcore for Hillary that they will vote for her, even if she lost in the primaries? 50? 100? Don't you think if they were so hardcore for her that they would have already announced they were supporting her, to make her numbers look better? Haven't you noticed that all the uncommitted ones are going to the guy in the lead? Why would that suddenly change? No reason. In fact, the political pressure on them would be even greater if he had already clearly won the pledged delegates (most of them are elected officials.)

So, I promised predictions, and while that was vaguely predictive, it wasn't in the tone you come to expect from this website. So here it is: he continues to win smaller states (plus the three I mentioned above), she gets some minor victories, picks up a good amount of delegates in PA, and makes it seem like she has a legitimate shot of winning it. But by the time the primaries are over, he has a substantial lead in the overall delegates, and the Superdelegates rush over to him to finally decide the race. Michigan and Florida perhaps do a re-do of the elections, but it doesn't really change the calculus of the race.

I know what you're thinking: if he's already won, then why are they still on the news all the time? Why isn't the Best Political Team on Television with that bearded Wolf telling me this? It's because everyone thinks that the Clinton's are unbeatable, they get better ratings when there's still a race going on, and they want both campaigns to keep spending money on commercials. They all played it like she was the eventual nominee, and don't want to look like an idiot now that she was out-campaigned.

Phew. It felt great to get that all off my chest. Check back later this week for why Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell is a complete idiot for saying on Meet the Press that Clinton should be the nominee b/c she won Florida, Ohio, Michigan, and is going to win Pennsylvania.

I CALLED IT!!!!!

2008-02-19T13:47:00.003-05:00

Toshiba has announced something that all of us at Pre-marital Sax knew way back on June 19 of last year: they're giving up the fight and not producing HD DVD players any more. Here are my prophetic words:

And so if you're a porno fan (and I have a feeling most of my readers probably are), buy a Blu Ray. They've won.

Basically, to rehash, Betamax lost the bidding war back in the 80's not because of inferior product, but because they did not do enough pornographic business. Back in June I learned that Toshiba was making that same mistake, so it was pretty clear they were going to lose the battle. There has been an upward trend in fidelity of pornography throughout the ages: cave engravings to paintings, to black and white photos, to magazines, to skeezy theaters, to late night HBO to finally High Definition video. I shudder to think what the next step is: robots?

But my sincerest apologies to anyone who jumped the gun and bought this failed machine. Here are a few suggestions of what you can do with it:

Stick it in a time capsule and confuse the hell out of people 20 years from now.
Actually, that's the only thing I can think to do with it.

Lions Valentine's Day Cards

2008-02-14T13:26:00.009-05:00

You may not have known it, but I haven't posted for months because of the writer's strike. I swear it had nothing to do with being busy w/ law school, or being lazy, or running out of things to say. In honor of Valentine's Day, I've come up with Lions themed Valentine's Day Cards. Enjoy, and send to all your friends:*special thanks to Nathan, who helped compile this list.

Premarital Morality

2007-11-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

The topic for today is less about morality as it is practicality and public policy. Typically, when someone drops a food item onto the floor, some wiseacre spouts out "five second rule!" which, as you probably know, is a strict rule that states it is OK to eat food off the floor, as long as it is picked up within the first five seconds of being on the ground. The wikipedia page about the five second rule references a Mythbusters episode that basically debunks the whole rule. But should we throw out the whole rule? Should we never eat anything that has touched the ground?

No, we should not be so obstinate. A lot of time good food hits the floor, and it would be a waste to just throw it away. The five second rule, for all its flaws, gives us a framework to find a justification for eating food thrown on the ground, and I think that is a good thing. While concerns about spreading disease may be valid, chances are that no one is at any risk except the person who picks up the food and consumes it. People quote this rule because they are probably slightly embarrassed about eating off the floor. They desire their foodstuff enough that they are willing to take the risk of getting sick, but they are looking for a justification to make it somehow (no matter how tenuously) socially acceptable. But the rule fails because it is too stringent, and lacks any nuance whatsoever. Why should we treat dropped yogurt or a potato chip in the same way? With this in mind, I have come up with the following parameters set in place to modify the five second rule, but still allow for the slobbier of us to maintain some semblance of dignity.

I call it the "Phour Potentially Poisoned Parameters for Phood" or Quintuple-P, for short:

1. When food hits the floor, the character of the food is of paramount importance:
a) Sticky food, such as lollipops, jolly ranchers and the like, are, regardless of time spent on the ground, never to be eaten, due to their absorptive properties
b) Non-solid foods, such as yogurt or smoothies are also excluded from eating after touching
the floor.
c) Solid foods, such as potato chips or baby carrots with very limited absorptive qualities may be allowed, if the surface qualifies.

2. The surface fallen on must qualify:
a) Bathrooms, locker rooms, or any place outdoors are prohibited.
b) Visibly dirty floors, or any floors that still reek off cleaning products are also prohibited.
c) Tables are allowed, as long as it is a somewhat clean table (i.e. no tables that strippers may have danced upon. Let's go ahead and exclude any food dropped at a strip club.)
d) Floors that appear clean, in houses that are well-maintained are eligible

3. Time spent on the ground must be reasonable. No hard and fast rule about time will be applied, but if it's on the ground more than a minute, or if you do not know how it got there, by no means will it be edible.

4. Quality of foodstuff will be considered. One of the above rules may be relaxed if food is
a) extremely expensive,
b) holds sentimental value (Mom's apple pie, etc), or
c) has been laced with some sort of mind-altering drug. (For example, if you're about to eat a pizza with "special mushrooms," I think you have more things to worry about than germs.

So, we now all have a framework to decide when exactly it is socially acceptable to eat off the floor. Notice how the five second rule is abolished, but its spirit lives on. This list is merely a first draft, and is open to amendments. Also, keep in mind, if no one is watching, no rules apply. Eating off the floor is then between you and God.

Premarital Morality

2007-11-13T21:58:00.000-05:00

I am premiering a new segment today called Premarital Morality, in which I will try to put to good use some of my very expen$ive law school education to a common issue that everyday people face, and come up with an answer that we can all feel good about. Today's topic: Handicapped stalls.

I used to feel bad about using handicapped bathroom stalls, and would never use them. But, is it really a faux pas to use them if you're not handicapped? Is using a handicapped stall like using a handicapped parking space?

No, it's not. Think about it why they are there. The handicapped stalls are probably there because ofis a government regulation requiring them to be in certain buildings. They exist so that handicapped people will have a comfortable place to go to the bathroom, with ample room. But are they there exclusively for handicapped people? No. If all the other stalls are full, and there is no one in the handicapped one, I have a right to use it. It would be unreasonable and inefficient to waste a perfectly good stall on the off-chance that a handicapped person will roll in and have to wait a few seconds. We all have to wait to use the toilet at crowded public events like concerts and sporting events (women more than men, or so I'm told). Just because you're handicapped does not mean you have a free pass every time you get to the bathroom. A wheelchair is no VIP pass, no "go to the front of the line" card. Most handicapped people want to be treated just the same as everyone else. So, they should wait with the rest of us in line at the bathroom, awkwardly making meaningless chitchat as we do our very best to not see another man's penis.

Well, aren't handicapped stalls just like handicapped parking spots? Aren't you being just as much a jerk when you use the stalls? No, it's a completely different scenario. Public bathroom trips are usually a couple of minutes, at most, which is a reasonable time to wait. You could park somewhere for hours, and really screw some people over, and that's not fair. Also, the main reason they exist is so people have a shorter walk to wherever they're trying to go. When you use their space, you're forcing them to park further away, which may cause them additional pain, which is not good. A much larger inconvenience than waiting a minute or two in the bathroom.

Now, my analysis comes with a caveat: yes, I believe we all have the same rights to those bathrooms, but use some common courtesy. If you're next in line in the bigger stalls, and you see someone on crutches limping along in pain, be a good person and let them cut in front of you. Just don't give me a dirty look when you see me exiting the spacious stalls.

For a hilarious exchange about this topic, seee Curb Your Enthusiasm episode "The Bowtie"

Cavemen, Revisited

2007-11-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

You may have remembered I ripped into the new TV show based on the Geico Caveman commercials a while back. And tonight, I actually decided to watch the thing. What did I think of it? Well, it wasn't Armageddon. God did not strike me down as I clicked "record" on my Tivo remote (but for some reason I felt like I was tempting fate). It was a pretty standard sitcom: three 20-somethings living in an apartment, getting into conflicts, holding a mirror up to society, etc. And there was not a laugh track, which earns major points for me. It was mildly entertaining, and I even chuckled a couple of times. But will I going to cry when they stop producing episodes because of the writer's strike? No. Am I going to be sad when it inevitably gets canceled because it's a flimsy premise for a TV show? Not really.

But, unlike the people who call the FCC when Janet Jackson's boob pops out, or make a stink when someone slips up and lets out an F Bomb, I respect its right to be on TV. That's the great thing about TV: there are so many channels, and if something upsets you, you can change the channel. Stupid people need shows to watch, too. We can't expect our nation's mediocre minds to follow the plot of Lost, or keep track of all the characters on Heroes (frankly I have trouble with both of those, too). And for those people, we have Cavemen, Mind of Mencia, and The View. So we should therefore have more shows with boob slips and casual swearing for those of us who are "mature" enough to handle it, because we have a right to have our shows, too.

I'm not sure if my argument made any sense, I've been expanding all my mental energy on a law memo. Let me know...

Judgment of Cavemen is reversed and remanded, with costs.

Dumbledore Plays For the Other Team

2007-10-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

Harry Potter author and Tooth Fairy J.K. Rowling has announced that Dumbledore was gay. That sly charlatan has gotten us all worked up again without writing another word. She is trying to milk even more money and publicity about the characters while sitting on her ass in some fancy English villa (do they have villas in England, or are those only in Italy?) . My theory is that every year she is going to release new information about a character in order to keep her book in the news. What's in store? Only Premarital Sax has the exclusive scoop:

Hermione Granger: we will learn that she has a foot fetish. This will gross out 98 percent of the country, but that 2 percent will be buying books and rubbin' em all over their feet left and right.

Ron Weasley: it turns out that he has a third nipple. Is this relevant to the story? Not really, but it will titillate fans of the ginger wizard.

Professor Snape: we agonized about him being either good or evil throughout the book. Rowling will reveal that...he's neutral. It turns out Snape was really born in Switzerland, only wears beige colors, and was ambivalent to Voldermort's battle with Harry. He could have cared less.

And finally...Harry Potter: what didn't we know about Harry after thousands of pages, seven volumes, and millions of web posts? J.K. has saved the most glorious secret of all for Harry. When she is on her deathbed she will reveal that Harry was actually born with both male and female genitalia. When he arrived at Hogwarts, he cast the "Evanesco spell" to remove the female parts. I'm not sure if she'll go into his using of "Erecto" for his ED problems as an adult, or that he used "Engorgio" when he was nervous about how his "wand" would measure up to the other boywizards in the locker room.

Blame Canada? No, Boycott Canada!

2007-10-23T16:38:00.000-04:00

I may have complained when our beauty pageant contestant was booed, and I may have complained when we learned that the rest of the world dislikes the United States, but we've been slapped in the face yet again: the Canadian Loonie (or Toonie or whatever it is they call their dollar) is worth more than the American dollar. I can't believe we're not making more of this than we are. This is like when your little brother finally beats you in basketball: we can no longer strut around and pretend we're superior. Traveling to Canada used to be great. I could drive across the bridge, throw my money around and feel like a million bucks (or, as the Canadians would say, I felt like 1.2 million bucks Canadian). It wasn't like going to Detroit, you knew you weren't going to be shot. It was a magical almost-America with no real crime and everything was slightly cheaper. Now everything is slightly more expensive. Someone has to do something about this, it is too much for me to take. I love Canadians, they are a great people w/ a superior bacon (and arguably, beers). But I was raised to believe the American dollar was valuable. It was valuable in that McDonald's in the third world, it was valuable to Colombian drug lords, and it was certainly the most valuable in North America (thank god we're still outperforming the peso, if I ever see the day when Mexico's currency passes the American I will soil myself). So what's a flag-waving American patriot such as myself to do? I have two ideas:
1) Combine the American dollar and Canadian into one currency (like the Euro). I would call this the Amerocoin.
2) Boycott Canada until the American dollar returns to its rightful place at the top of the currency hierarchy.

Many people would consider the first step radical and abhorrent. But I am very open-minded about currency. If I had my way, I would eliminate the penny and the dollar bill, and only use 1 dollar and 2 dollar coins. Those three steps would save the treasury millions of dollars a year, but people love the penny for some inexplicable reason, so it will probably never happen. And combining our currency with Canada is even more radical, so I'll forget about that one, and focus on my second idea.

No more vacations to Canada. No more Labatt Blue Lights. No more Jim Carrey movies. If your car breaks down while you're taking a shortcut from Buffalo to Detroit through Canada, push it across the border until you get to an American gas station. And we need to entice Canadians into our country to spend their money on our shores. I'm calling on all the residents near the borders to waive hockey sticks and flannel shirts to get them to come over here. Hopefully if enough people join the movement we will muscle our way to the top of the heap in no time, and I can call off the boycott. This plan is perfect for us Americans: it's simple, not well-thought out, and comes right from the gut with no rational basis.

Long Time

2007-10-23T16:07:00.001-04:00

Wow, it's been almost 2 months since this blog published. I assume I've lost at least half my audience, but if that's so, I sincerely thank the 4 of you who are still with me. Don't worry, I haven't died or suffered from intense carpal tunnels syndrome, I've just been in year 1 of law school. What's happened since I last roamed the blog'o'sphere?
-Another gay-bashing Republican creeped on a man
-In a desperate power grab, the Big Ten Conference created a network that no one can watch (this atrocity deserves its own post, stay tuned)
-Stephen Colbert has announced he's running for President as both a Republican and a Democrat in South Carolina
-Some things are going up in flames in Southern California
-Some states are running out of water critically

Now before I start my rant, I will post the following disclaimer: it's tragic that people are dying and losing their homes in California, and I hope the water crisis is settled in the South before anything bad happens. That being said...

Is anyone really surprised? Those of us in the middle of the country in the Great Lakes region get disrespected all the time. They tell us that are towns are spread out and boring, our weather too cold, our streets full of Philistines. But you want to know something? No one in Michigan or Ohio or Minnesota is going to run out of water. No one is going to get hit by a hurricane, no one is going to get hit with a massive earthquake. Global warming is not going to flood our shores (yes, we do have shores in the Midwest, those of non-smelly freshwater variety). And all you people (and you know who you are) who moved out of the Midwest to warmer climates because you couldn't take the weather anymore, and those of you who are considering it, think about this: you can marry an ape, but don't complain when you smell like bananas.

I think it's pretty well documented that California and Florida are battered by natural disasters, that the Arizona/Nevada, etc area does not have the water to sustain so much human life naturally forever, and that it's hot as hell in the South, and it's only getting warmer. So don't act surprised when something like this happens. To look at it from an economic perspective, you are taking a risk with your life and your worldly possessions when you move to places like that, for the expected gain of living in a "tropical paradise" year-round. That's part of the deal. And if you're someone who drives a gas guzzler, and makes no individual effort to limit your impact on the planet at all, and our behavior exacerbates the natural disasters, do you really have any moral ground to stand on? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm happy stuff like this happens, or that when it does, I'm just going to turn my back and ignore it and not do anything to help. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying we need to be more cognizant as human beings that this march to move south and west and push nature past its limits is going to have consequences. Cities like Detroit and Cleveland and Pittsburgh can all support more population than currently resides there. Can you say the same thing about Las Vegas? Los Angeles? Phoenix? We got plenty of room, folks, and the people here are mighty kind.

I'm an idiot

2007-08-29T12:53:00.000-04:00

Law school has officially gotten to me. Yesterday, I went to do my laundry. I brought my dirty clothes down to the laundry room, stuck my clothes in, poured some detergent, cleaned out the lint catcher, put my quarters in, shut the door and pressed start. I came back an hour later, and noticed that my clothes were really dry. Oh wait, I put my dirty clothes in the dryer instead of the washer. Really smart move. Notice that I even cleaned out the lint catcher beforehand. Clearly all my synapses are used up by law classes.

Law School, Cont.

2007-08-26T18:21:00.000-04:00

The first case we have looked at for law school, is Lawrence vs. Texas, a ruling that struck down sodomy laws. Are we really starting with sodomy? Can't we work our way up there, maybe start out with some petty theft, or some drunk driving first? We just dove right into anal sex (pardon the pun). The best part about it is when the professor called on someone out of the blue and asked him to define sodomy. He hemmed and hawed, but clearly he just wanted to say "one guy just got caught in a 'compromising situation', and Texas was living in the 19th Century so they still think that should be illegal."
On a Cleveland-related note, I'm getting really sick of everyone telling me about the "lake effect." Why is it so cold today? Lake effect. Why can't I see the sun? Why is the economy in a recession? All lake effect. It's almost as annoying as going to Arizona and constantly hearing that it's not too hot because "it's a dry heat." I think it's cold outside because we are hundreds of miles from the equator. And I think it's overcast because we're in the Northern Midwest. Don't blame the damn lake.

More Rants about Cleveland

2007-08-19T20:20:00.001-04:00

In case you didn't get enough of my rants on Saturday, I have plenty more today.

-Directly across the street from my apartment is a cemetery. I would be depressed about this, except Little Italy is directly to the left of my apartment. I find it very convenient that I can walk home from law school, eat greasy food to my heart's content, and if it happens to give me a heart attack, they won't have to carry my body too far.

-Ironically enough, Garfield is buried in that cemetery. I guess all that Italian lasagna got to him, too. I've yet to find Odie's grave.

-Speaking of Little Italy, someone told me a story about how during the race riots, blacks were marching all over Cleveland, but they did not go through Little Italy, since a machine gunner was sitting at the top of a church. It really makes me glad that religion isn't like skin color. If I'm a raging anti-Catholic atheist (and I'm not saying that I am), there is no way for some mobster to know that and be able to snipe me from a distance. "Don't shoot until you can see the whites of their godless heathen eyes!"

-I also went to a Browns game on Saturday night. Not only was there the excitement of preseason, but I also got to watch two teams with a combined record of 7-25. I had the audacity to wear a Detroit Lions hat to the game. Sure they were the opponent of the Browns and I was sitting in the Dawg Pound, but I figured we weren't going to get heckled. But lo and behold, as I'm ascending the stairs to my seat, I hear one girl booing. I locate her face, and see that she is looking right at me! And then people start chanting "a$$hole, a$$hole," over and over again at me! Is it not punishment enough that I'm a Lions fan? Do I have to endure verbal abuse as well? Do those high-minded Cleveland fans not know that the Lions have won one playoff game in over 40 years? Are they unaware that we are in different conferences, and play each other about once every three years? Or that they should actually root for us to win, because they would get a better draft pick (it seems like they draft right after the Lions every year, doesn't it?)

But they weren't thinking about that. They were thinking, I just wasted 45 dollars to watch a game that means nothing against two teams have a snowball's chance in Phoenix of making the playoffs, let's take it out on that fellow NFL fan who happens to cheer for a team that plays in a different city. I think I can think of one situation as illogical as this: imagine if your plane crashes on a deserted island, and there's one other guy who has been stranded there for a while, and when you meet him, he punches you in the stomach and throws all your food in the ocean. Maybe that comes close.

Hello, Cleveland!

2007-08-18T10:45:00.000-04:00

I apologize to any of my regular readers for my lack of posts lately. You may have noticed that the frequency has gone down since the end of July. That, not coincidentally, was when I quit my job to begin law school. I no longer spend 8 hours each day online, ready to sarcastically comment on what's going on in our world. So, what happens to the blog now? I don't know, to be honest. I'll try to keep updating it while I'm at law school, maybe with more of a focus about my experiences as a 1L. Here's a quick recap of my first 48 hours in Cleveland:

-Everything is cheaper than D.C. Way cheaper. I feel like I'm spending American dollars in Argentina. Did you know that Cleveland has its own currency? It's called Cuyahogacoins, and one D.C. dollar equals 3.4 Cuyahogacoins.

-I'm in Section C, the Counselors. When they put the Sorting Hat on me, I was really hoping for Ravenclaw, but what are you going to do?

-A kid sitting in front of me at orientation, who happened to be wearing a yamaka, sneezed. I was really tempted to say "God Bless Jew," but I wasn't sure if that would be considered anti-semitic.

-I was "friended" by about 25 of my future classmates on facebook before I met them, which created a new socially awkward situation: the "I've seen your facebook picture, but I've never actually met you, so I'm going to ask your name and pretend I don't know who you are." Thanks to the internet for making life even awkwarder.

-My parents are moving most of my stuff in today, so I've been sleeping on a mattress that's on the floor, with sheets that are one size too small. I can get three of the corners down, but it just won't spread to the fourth one. I feel like I'm playing Whack-A-Mole with my sheets, every time I get one down, another one pops its hairy head up.

-I can recognize the Ohio State kids about 1 second after I tell them I went to Michigan. Their face immediately changes expressions. I imagine I would get that look if I told my Shia parents that I was marrying a Sunni. It's ugly.

5 ways to save 100,000 lives

2007-08-08T23:44:00.000-04:00

The enlightened folks over at Partnership for Prevention came out with a study yesterday that made it seem real easy for us to save 100,000 American lives each year. Which is good, because we are Americans and we only do things one way: the easy way. Which is why this study is a complete waste of time/money. Let me break down the five steps that will, if implemented, save 100,000 lives a year:

Quit smoking, for good. 42,000 additional lives saved. Oh OK, everyone just stop smoking. We all know that would save lives, and in fact it accounts for almost half of the 100 K. That's like saying "I could help you lose weight if you just stop eating greasy foods and started working out." If we value that kind of advice, then I guess that makes me some combination of Richard Simmons, Jenny Craig and Jared Fogle.

Take aspirin. 45,000 additional lives would be saved each year if 90 percent of adults took aspirin daily to prevent disease. You're supposed to take aspirin every day? I think they made this one up, maybe the survey was financed by Advil.

Get screened for colorectal cancer. 14,000 additional lives would be saved. This should be a no-brainer. Then I remembered what a where the colon actually is. And can you blame straight America for not wanting to be violated like that? It's not exactly a vision test.

Get a flu shot. 12,000 additional lives would be saved. Really? People die from the flu, huh? I know you can die from it in Oregon Trail, but in 21st Century America? I think the kind of people that die from the flu are teetering on the edge of death, anyway. You might save them from the flu, but they may die from falling in the shower.

Get screened for breast cancer. Nearly 4,000 additional lives would be saved. OK, this one makes sense. Although I've heard it's not very comfortable, either.

Basically this study tells Americans to stop smoking and get tested for cancers. But I'm sorry, Partnership for Prevention, we are dumb (smoking) and lazy (we don't like to get tested for things). So unless you start working on a colon cancer test that doesn't hurt, and Aspirin that are shaped like Flinstones characters, I don't think you're going to get the results you promised.

In Brief...

2007-08-06T23:53:00.000-04:00

First of all, I would like to pat myself on the back, and include this link from an interview I did for lawcrossing.com. The interview is the Disney-fied version of my job, so take my answers with a grain of salt. And keep an eye out for a Detroit Lions joke at the end (I always have to work one of those in).

Kids like food better when it comes in McDonald's packaging
When scientists put identical food in an unmarked bag, kids didn't like the taste as much as when they put it in a McDonald's bag. Great news for parents. Your kid refuses to eat that free-range whole grain, organic Kale? Put it in a McDonald's bag with a 15 cent piece of plastic that looks like Shrek or some other stupid movie character, and they might actually eat it.

Scientists have figured out levitation
You may have thought I was foolish when I got excited about the DeLoreans coming back, but it's really starting to come together now. We're on the cusp of something big, watch my words. I see a scientific breakthrough coming that is going to make the internet look like a Pet Rock.

High demand fuels organ trade
I look at my body like a stock trader does: buy low, sell high. I bought really low (actually they were free, after I agreed to spend 9 months in a haunted womb. OK, it wasn't haunted, but I had to listen to those goddamn Baby Einstein tapes), and now the demand is up, and I'm ready to sell. If I sold a kidney, my liver and my appendix, I could then invest them in high-risk mutual funds, and wait it out until body parts prices fall down a bit and buy another liver at less than I paid. I think I can live without a liver - anyone know anybody in desperate need of an appendix?

Giuliani's daugther is an "Obama Girl"
She's "got a crush on Obama," according to her facebook profile (she was in the same "1 million strong for Barack" group that I am in). Isn't that nice? She even made a video about it....

Pigeons on the Pill?

2007-08-01T18:10:00.000-04:00

Hollyweird is at it again. No, they're not making us re-examine our own sexuality with some hot gender-bending role for Hilary Swank. This time they are providing free contraception to the local pigeon population. Apparently pigeons have been pooping too much for those Prius-hugging Los Angelenos to handle, so they take the typical Left Wing reaction: let's roll some condoms on the birds to solve the problems! (I'm not sure if they're actually using condoms, but if so I don't envy the social worker who has to figure out how to apply one to a pigeon penis).

Don't they know that providing free contraceptives will just lead the pigeons to have more sex, and with more partners? Surely it will lead to an increase to premarital sex (not sax), and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. And it completely kills the "abstinence only education" program that I was planning on using to solve the problem. I even made pigeon-sized posters, with bright pictures to catch their beady eyes' attention. Promise rings are the answer, people! We obviously need to keep contraceptives out of our high schools, and we also need to keep it out of the talons of horny pigeons. Besides the movie industry, tourism is Hollywood's most important business, and I don't want Tom and Diane Wisconsin to fly all the way out to L.A. and have to see pigeons having freaky animal sex. And I really doubt any pigeon is truly sponge-worthy.

Back to the DeLorean

2007-07-30T20:18:00.000-04:00

Great Scott, the DeLorean is back! I just wanted to blog about this, because I can't contain my excitement. I have been spending the last 7 years of my life perfecting my personal Flux Capacitor and now I will have the proper vehicle to install it in (it just didn't look right in my '96 Saturn. Everyone knows time traveling machines need to have doors that open vertically). The DeLorean Company is going to start manufacturing them again 25 years after the company dissolved. This is perfect because it would be nice if the Big Three actually had three companies (Chrysler is certainly not "big" anymore). Nostalgia is so big right now that I think I'm going to put all my savings in DeLorean stocks. I really hope they continue this trend and start building Night Rider, The Yellow Submarine, the Batmobile, the General Lee and Herbie, the Love Bug (Lindsay Blowhan sold separately). I plan on going back in time and singing David Bowie his own songs before he has written them (that way I can claim he plagiarized me. Oh wait, that has already been done:

Bang Review

2007-07-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

D.C. Blogger Roosh Valizadeh (formerly known as "DC Bachelor," who now can be found on rooshv.com) has transitioned from the blogosphere (I hate that word, I don't know why I'm using it) to the written word with his first book. He has effectively bundled all his techniques, routines, and theories about getting laid into a 140 page textbook simply called Bang.

In Bang, Roosh first lays out the proper mindset needed to approach girls. Packed with personal anecdotes and biological reasonings for why women and men act the way they do, he lays out an encouraging case for any young male who has not been as successful as he wishes to. Valizadeh then spends the next four chapters going over "Early Game," "Middle Game," "Late Game," and then "End Game." Every contingency is accounted for, from being "cockblocked," to dealing with girls who put up a seemingly impenetrable wall of resistance.

Valizadeh attacks the female psyche like a scientist, using the scientific method to try hundreds of possible moves on his way to developing his plan for success for even the most acne-clad Dungeons and Dragons fans out there. He has clearly spent his entire adult life honing his "game," and the reader is the beneficiary with this excellent book. He uses metaphors and relatable analogies to make all his points crystal clear, outlining what should be the obvious, but for many helpless guys passes as new material. His frank talk about sex is refreshing and well-needed in a society in which openness about any sort of sexual activity or desires is censored from the public discourse. The book is also funny at times, with my particular favorite moment being his analogy that if a girl resists one of your moves in the bedroom, act like your character just died in a video game and simply hit the "restart" button. Valizadeh clearly knows his target audience (16-35 year old males, mostly), and this analogy is both humorous and helpful.

My only criticism is with the relative brevity of the book (110 pages plus appendix), and the comically precise advice he gives on women (one example is to call women between 8 and 9 pm). Parts read like he is describing how to conduct a scientific experiment. The book would have been better served if he gave more room for improvisation and discretion of the male "player." But for any guy who is single and not having as much luck as he feels he should, it is a must read. It is a book I wish I had read years ago, and one in which I would include in my summer reading list if I was a high school administrator (luckily for society, I will probably not hold the power to choose summer reading lists.) Any book that can help level the sexual playing field between men and women is a welcome addition to any self-respecting bachelor's library. The take home message is that getting "lucky" is not about luck at all. With the right approach, the right attitude, and a few well-timed moves, any guy can take control of his own nightlife and be freed from constant anxiety and depression about unrequited loves.

Buy it here.

Bush to have colonoscopy; Cheney to have throne

2007-07-20T15:45:00.000-04:00

The sentence "George Bush is going to have some doctors look up his anal cavity" would probably be the most disgusting, and morally disturbing sentence in most of my entries. But not today, as that sentence is followed with "during that period Dick Cheney will actually be the President of the United States." Yes, tomorrow afternoon, for two hours, Dick Cheney is going to be the President of the Free World. For any of my readers who happen to live in Iran, go on vacation tomorrow! You are not safe. Leave the country until Cheney move back to his underground bunker.

Besides the bombing of Iran, what could Cheney actually do in his brief tenure as President?

Make hugs punishable with a $200 fine.
Shoot another guy in the face
Outlaw bubble gum, milkshakes, Root Beer Floats, and oral sex
Lobby NBC to bring back "Suddenly Susan," this time with more Kathy Griffin

I don't know which one is the scariest. But I know I'm going to be in my bomb shelter for those 2.5 hours. Cheney is a loose cannon, one of the bombs might not make it to the Middle East, and I happen to live less than three miles from the White House (gulp).

Health Thursday

2007-07-19T02:09:00.000-04:00

In what may or may not become a somewhat recurring feature, I will be doing a Health round-up every Thursday.

Botulism Recall for Hot Dog Chili Sauce
I don't know what botulism is, but it sounds bad. Some analysts worry about the impact on chili dog sales. As if people who eat chili dogs in large quantities have any care or respect for their own health. If you eat chili dogs, you've already come to the understanding that you're probably shortening your life, I don't think adding "risk of botulism" to the artery-clogging goodness that is the chili dog is going to hamper sales too much.

Study predicts 75 percent overweight in US in 2015
So 75 percent of Americans are going to be overweight in 8 years? Why don't we just change the definition of overweight? My advice to everyone is to just keep eating. If everyone gets fat, scientists will be forced to lower the expectations (ie. raise the minimum poundage to use the term overweight). Not only that, but clothes companies should step in and do their part as well. If Guess Jeans labels the 34-38 inch waists as "Husky" change the name to "Not Quite Fat" and apply the "Husky" label to the 42-46 inch fellows.

Child Pornographer viewers also may molest
Yes, those creepballs who bookmark kiddiesexontheplayground.com as a favorite may also molest children. Color me surprised.

Restless Leg Syndrome is 'real'
You know when you're sitting on a couch with a bunch of people, and you get annoyed because you feel a faint vibration? And you look over and some Mountain Dew-fueled kid is shaking his right leg so violently that it appears ready to fall off? I always assumed he did that because of sexual frustration and was just trying to shake off all that extra energy. But it turns out there's actually a genetic basis for for Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). I hope now they can turn their attentions to find the genes to cure my "Restless Boob Grabbing Syndrome" (RBGS). I've been suffering.

Superbad Review

2007-07-18T09:23:00.000-04:00

I typically don't do movie reviews because it's not my specialty, but last night I had the pleasure to attend a free sneak preview of Superbad, a new movie written by Seth Rogen and starring Michael Cera and Jonah Hill. It becomes clear early on that one can expect the usual Judd Apatow/Rogen experience. Crude language used to convey side-splitting jokes about sex, women and bodily functions in an honest way. Also, like previous movies (40 Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up) the plot is relatively simple. These movies never try to do too much, and that is an appealing part about them. 40 Year-Old Virgin was about an middle-aged man trying to lose his virginity, Knocked Up was about a 20-something trying to have a relationship with his pregnant girlfriend, and Superbad follows the quest of three high schoolers as they try to (you guessed it) lose their virginity before college.

The main draw in Superbad, as is most of these movies, is in the characters. Evan, Seth, and Fogel (a.k.a. McLovin) are all so relatable and real that the viewer feels as if they went to high school with all of them. Evan (Michael Cera) actually hit a little too close to home for me, as his extreme awkwardness around women reminded me too much of my younger self. Don't expect to see any classically good-looking men in this movie, expect to see guys who would not look out of place with a bong in front of them on a porch couch in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

By a miraculous twist of fate, Seth (Jonah Hill) is invited to a party thrown by one of the hottest girls in school, and after a promise to bring alcohol, they go on a quest to procure some and get their respective female counterparts drunk enough to have sex. The film resembles Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle in the fact that the majority of the movie is a Quixotic voyage to obtain something that is not really important, but through the character's unrelenting passion and utter commitment to the quest, the audience is somehow fooled into believing it really is that important. We really want to see these guys get laid before college.

Superbad is so chock-full of great gags and lines that you don't have to worry about the previews spoiling all the laughs (a complaint I had with Borat, for instance): the funniest stuff in this movie would not make it past any censors. There were a number of classic moments in this movie, among them was Seth's problem (apparently suffered by 8 percent of children) of constantly feeling compelled to draw penises over and over again (stick around during the credits to see some of the hilarious ones he drew up). Also, Seth Rogen and Bill Hader (Saturday Night Live) provide an incredibly funny side story to the main plot, as they play police officers who take McLovin along with them on a wild night.

I do not exaggerate when I say that these guys set new highs for comedies with every movie they make. After watching this movie one gets the feeling that almost any other comedy would be a letdown in comparison. There are so many hilarious moments packed into a short movie that other comedies look meager and tame. If I had never seen 40 Year-Old Virgin or Knocked Up I would have given this movie a 10/10. As such, I give it a 9. I feel like Superbad attempts to do what so many already have, and I wonder how many of these movies can be made. At some point, it feels a little empty to laugh hysterically, but not really tackle anything truly meaningful. Yes, this movie captures perfectly so many elements of high school- the life or death necessity of getting laid, worry about losing your friends after you go away to college, becoming a man (which McLovin, surprisingly does by the end of the movie). But I can't help but think at they should start to set their sights a little higher. A delightful hour and a half quest to get laid is great, but I think with the collective talents of everyone involved, it could have been even more.

Australians Are Tougher Than Americans

2007-07-17T14:39:00.000-04:00

American athletes probably think they're really tough. Concussions, broken limbs, and Guitar Hero injuries may be painful, but nothing compared to what Australian rugby players go through. Want proof? One of the players started having headaches for the past 3 months, and decided to go to the doctor to find out what was causing them. Migraines? No. Stress? Nope. How about the fact that there was a tooth lodged in his skull. This is badass for two reasons: number one, some opposing player bit down hard enough on this guy's head to chip his tooth, and not realize that part of it was still stuck in there. How often does one put themselves in that position? And secondly, the guy went three months without seeing a doctor, even though there was a bicuspid in his brain. I'm not someone who puts a lot of things into my head, but I get the feeling that I would notice a tooth. Perhaps Mike Tyson has decided to play rugby?

And this isn't even the first time something like this has happened. Apparently, two other rugby players found embedded teeth in their bodies somewhere, one of which almost had to have his arm amputated. Remind me not to get in a fight with an Australian any time soon.

Where have you gone, Joe Dimaggio?

2007-07-13T09:05:00.000-04:00

I found two articles today that are seemingly unrelated, and equally disturbing. The first, a study on young Americans' sexual behavior, shows that fewer high school students were having sex. Somehow this was interpreted as great news, which I find perplexing. Do we really want our kids having less sex? They are physically ready for it, the hormones are raging, they spend 6 hours a day surrounded by the hottest members of polite society (young people) and we want to not have sex? You can get off your moral high horse for a second, you can't convince me there's something immoral about a 16 year-old having sex. Do you know how many of your ancient ancestors got pregnant by the time they were 17? Probably almost half (the other half were born with a penis). Next to college, high school is the best period in one's life for finding frequent partners. It takes no effort at all to meet girls; chances are, there's one right next to your locker (slipping a note inside her locker asking her to check a box is possibly the easiest way to ask out a lady). To me, abstinence only education programs at schools are the equivalent of making Lebron James stay in college for 4 years before the turns pro: he has the physical goods, don't short-change him by robbing him of his prime. I have a feeling that 20 years from now, unhappily married men are going to talk about high school as "The Lost Opportunity."

What caused this? The article claims that education programs, along with the HIV/AIDS epidemic have caused kids to think twice before having sex. I think that's hogwash, HIV has made people more apt to use condoms (which is obviously a good thing), but I don't think has led to less sex.

I have my own theory (you knew this was coming), which brings us to the second article. It's all Hollywood's fault. The irony is not lost on me blaming Hollywood for causing a lack of moral depravity. But I really think Hollywood is dropping the ball as far as teaching young males how to act. Think about it. When I was growing up we had the Arnold Schwarzenegger's and and the Bruce Willis's, and the Steven Seagall's of the world to teach us how to be a man. Where are these stars now? Arnold is a wrinkly governor, Steven Seagall is a punchline, and while Bruce Willis still kicks ass, he needed the help of the very dorky Justin Long to save the day in Live Free or Die Hard.

Justin Long is just one of many. Shia LeBeouf, Seth Rogen, John Krasinski, Tobey Maguire are all leading-men now. If I'm a 16 year old guy and I want to know how to romance a lady, do I really want to follow Shia's lead? I don't know if you saw Transformers, but he's an awkward sweaty kid throughout that entire movie. He can't even seal the deal with his car Bumblebee playing Wing-Man (Bumblebee drove himself into a scenic hilltop and played Barry White). John Krasinski isn't man enough to tell Robin Williams to go f*&% himself and use another minister, and Tobey Maguire needs Spidey powers to get with a girl. Seth Rogen is the best role model here, but even that's a stretch. Sure, he scores with a hot girl at a club, but he is not man enough to have sex with her while she's pregnant (dude, don't you realize that's a no-risk situation, she's not going to start growing another baby in that womb?)

So, in short, Hollywood is dropping the ball. They need to return to the muscular, tall, smooth-talking men of the past as their lead men in order to reverse this disturbing trend. Basically cast Daniel Craig in every role possible. Thank god for James Bond.

Women Aren't Any Better Than Men

2007-07-11T10:56:00.000-04:00

The popular myth that men are shallow, horny, sexual deviants looking to have sex with the largest pair of breasts he can find compared to altruistic women who care less about sex and physical appearance has taken two hits recently. First, we learned that when viewing pornographic material, men look at women's faces first before looking at any other body part more often than women look at men's faces (also women looked at the porn for longer than men). A recent study has shown that women are attracted to brawny men for their sexual partners. Basically, the study found that when women take a trip to their local meat market looking to hook up (probably put in the mood after seeing a shirtless McSteamy in a Grey's episode), they are much more likely to choose the more muscular men. On the flip side, for long-term relationships, they tended to choose skinnier dudes, presumably because they would be less likely to cheat. According to this study, they were on the right track.

I was tempted to use this information to gloat, and say "Ha! You women aren't any better than men, you just hide it better! And don't tell me you like funny guys, you really just like six-pack abs!" But I will restrain myself. Instead of disparaging women, us men should take this information under careful consideration. If you are single, and prefer to live your live by putting on your nicest collared shirt every Friday night and buying the easiest looking girls drinks all night until one of them agrees to go home with you, then by all means hit the weight room and whey protein as hard as you can. But if you're the type who meets women while shopping at Whole Foods or at poetry readings, drop the Bally's membership and learn to cook.

Quick Hits

2007-07-10T18:43:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, I've been slacking on posts lately. Here's a smattering of what happened while I was gone, in case reading this blog is your only news source (if it is, please for the love of god pick up a newspaper every once in a while!)

Middle America volunteers most, survey finds
Yep, I knew us Midwesterners were better people. Sure, the region may not be the seat of our federal government, financial industry, or entertainment, but gosh darn it, we know how to do work without expectation of payment.

Eastern US Sizzles as Temperatures Near 100 Degrees
It's been hot lately. Like, really hot. As if you needed me to tell you that. Recently as I was walking in from outside, Isaw a women turn a 180 and go down the elevator instead of leaving the building. When I asked her why she changed her mind, she said "I took one look at you and realized I shouldn't be going outside." Apparently my reddened face and sweaty head scared her off. I'm sorry, but all my ancestors were from the whitest parts of Europe. And being white for Europe is really saying something.

Vitter's Hand Caught in the Literal and Figurative Cookie Jar: Larry Flynt takes credit
The Washington D.C. madam has taken another victim: Republican Senator David Vitter. Here is my favorite quote from the article: "'David Vitter has visited with my girls, and he has to be one of the nicest men and most honorable men I have ever met,' said Jeanette Maier, known as the Canal Street madam." I'm sure as a prostitute Jeanette meets some very nice and honorable men. That compliment really means a lot coming from her, seeing how she is exposed to the best of society. It's the equivalent of a Krispy Kreme employee calling someone the skinniest [person they've ever seen. She's not just a madam, but the Canal Street madam. Doesn't that evoke some positive imagery for a prostitute? There's a street near my house in Michigan called Big Beaver, and I really hope to someday find the Big Beaver Madam.

Potential juror pretends to be racist, homophobic to avoid jury duty
Daniel Ellis is a red-blooded American patriot. And as such, he is ready to use all his moxie, all his cunning, all his guile to...avoid jury duty. He claimed to hate gays, to be racist, and that he tended to lie, all to avoid jury duty. Great job, Daniel. We've all joked about doing things like that, but didn't have the balls to go through with it. Your idiotic but courageously lazy move has made as all very proud to call ourselves American, so close to Independence Day. I suggest if you're going to be such a prick that you take next year's Memorial Day to dodge the draft (there will probably be one at that point) and burn down a Veteran's Hospital while you're at it.

Git-R-Done Beer

2007-07-02T15:31:00.001-04:00

Posts may be a little more infrequent this week as I am on vacation in sunny Troy, Michigan. Git-R-Done beer has just been announced. I believe that phrase had gotten old in early 2005, but it has officially joined the pantheon of catchphrases that we cannot kill as much as we may want to. Here are some of the other phrases that have achieved such high status, and the annoying products they can be attached to:

Where's the Beef? Pork Chops

Slogan: Can't Find the Beef? Eat these delicious pork chops instead!
Why It Will Succeed: The 80's are so in right now, and those three words are more 80's than wearing a Members Only jacket to a Duran Duran concert.
Why It Will Fail: Animal feed prices have been rising due to corn's increased usage for ethanol, leading to thinner profit margins.

Who Let the Dogs Out Condoms

Slogan: Never let your dogs out again with these "ribbed for her pleasure" condoms.
Why It Will Succeed: I envision a brilliant marketing plan in which sizes range from Chihuahua to St. Bernard. All the men embarrassed to purchase "tiny" condoms will have no problem with the cleverly named "Who Let the Dogs Out" ones.
Why It Will Fail: Anyone who still responds to this song isn't having sex anytime soon.

Can You Hear Me Now? Hearing Aids

Slogan: Tired of sounding like a douchebag every time you ask someone to repeat themselves? Never again with these cochlear implants!
Why It Will Succeed: Deaf folks have been spared that whiny Verizon Wireless guy's voice, so they probably not as annoyed by it as the rest of us.
Why It Will Fail: Deaf people hate cell phones.

You're Fired! Drug Tests

Slogan: We know you're buying our product to have a reason to get rid of that hippie-looking employee who enjoys the Grateful Dead too much.
Why It Will Succeed: Instead of having pluses and minuses, the test will flash "You're Fired," saving mid-level executives valuable seconds every months.
Why It Will Fail: Donald Trump would probably sue... multiple times.

Forster's: Australian for toothpicks

Slogan: Who knows toothpicks better than Aborigines and convicted felon descendants?
Why It Will Succeed: It worked for Foster's.
Why It Will Fail: Nobody checks the brand names when they buy toothpicks. It's just a damn little stick with points on both ends, for crying out loud. Not exactly Coke vs. Pepsi.

Disliking the United States is the new black

2007-06-28T12:33:00.000-04:00

The New York Times reports that other countries view the United States less favorably today than they did in 2002. One might speculate this is because of the war in Iraq, or hatred of George W. Bush, but that's just the most obvious explanation. Let's look at some of the countries with the highest change and see if we can figure out exactly what's going on:

Great Britain (75 % favorable in 2002, 51 % today): They're angry that we stole David Beckham, and The Office. I can't blame them, The Office is hilarious and Beckham is a gorgeous man.

France (62% to 39%): They still haven't gotten over Freedom Fries and Freedom Kisses. Until we get another Jerry Lewis, we can pretty much forget about this country.

Poland (79 % to 61 %): Since 2002, Polish jokes are up 21 %, which has not been good for our numbers. And we "forgot about Poland" in the 2004 presidential debate.

Japan (72% to 61%): Let's see, we're buying Toyota cars more than we're buying from GM, people can't get enough of the Wii, Ninjas are hot, we paid a Japanese baseball team $50 million just to negotiate with Dice-K, what else do they want? I'm sorry, but I can't figure this one out, maybe they were upset about Pearl Harbor? (deservedly so, that movie was unwatchable)

Germany (60% to 30%): This was the biggest dropper (besides Indonesia, but I can't even locate Indonesia on a map, so I'm not going to count it). Wait a minute Weimar Republic, so you think our leader is invading too many countries? Killing too many people? Trampling too many human rights? This is like the pot calling the kettle Hitler. If Bush grows a little moustache, wins re-election with 123% of the vote, invades French Guyana, and starts selective breeding country music fans, then maybe, just maybe Germany can disprove of the United States. Worse case scenario, we're on the First Reich, still two away from the indefensible Third Reich. What happened to three strikes you're out? On second thought, I just remembered this:
For the uninitiated, that's German Chancellor Angela Merkel getting the most awkward back massage ever. OK, I'm sorry, I take it all back, every person in the World not living in the United States has a reason to dislike us. I think this picture just about sums it up. That, and Crocs:
If I were living Europe, and I saw an American tourist wearing these god-awful ugly shoes, I would lose all respect for Americans, too. If anyone reading this actually wears these shoes in public please send an email to mcfors@Gmail.com and defend yourself. I would sooner grow a mullet, put on some faded denim jean shorts, a fanny pack and a Members Only jacket than ever put these on my feet. (Thanks a lot, Colorado, please stick to the skis and stay out of the ugly footwear division).

CIA- not so secret anymore

2007-06-27T09:45:00.001-04:00

The CIA, for some reason, has agreed to release scores of de-classified documents (how un-CIA of them!). And since I know you're too busy to scan them all yourself, I'll provide some of the highlights.

1985: The CIA conspired with Pepsi Co., poisoning "New Coke" with Tang.

1988: Fearing that their old director, George H.W. Bush was going to lose to a Massachusetts liberal, the CIA Fedexed an army helmet to Michael Dukakis suggesting that if he wore it he would get the "national security" vote. He soon tanked in the polls after looking ridiculous.

1990: Someone in Buffalo writes a strongly worded letter complaining about the CIA. The director at the time thought it would be funny to make sure the Bills make it to the Super Bowl four years in a row, only to lose each time. He was right, it was funny.

1994: After Bill Clinton cut the CIA's funding, they needed a new revenue stream: pogs. They secretly sold them en masse to schoolchildren, who inexplicably were entertained by circular wooden pieces, making millions for the agency.

1996: Fearing that the lower class was getting too powerful and demanding too much, the CIA dresses up Eddie Murphy in a fat woman's suit. America's poor and extremely uneducated are soon entertained and distracted when Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry, and the Wayans Bros pretend to be fat and or a woman. 12 years later, it still works.

2007: The CIA placed super secret operative Sanjaya Malakhar into American Idol to begin "Project Brainwash American Teenagers." Five years from now, the documents revealed, Malakhar will re-emerge as an Army recruiter for the upcoming invasion of Iran.

2010: Transition a popular satire blog into a series of coded messages to our men overseas. Blog must be the last place on the internet the enemy can expect any military activity to remain covert: ideal candidate will have a bad pun as its name and will cover such topics as Detroit Lions football, religious satire, and pop culture in a unique and witty voice. Whoever runs said blog will compensated handsomely for his patriotic duty.

Shared Intravenous Needles 4 Jesus

2007-06-25T15:26:00.000-04:00

In a disappointing Supreme Court case, it was ruled that waving a sign proclaiming "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" outside a school is not protected under the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights. It was noted in the appeal filed with the justices that "Bong is a slang term for drug paraphernalia." I'm really glad that we have the Supreme Court to inform us of what a "bong" is. But I'm still disappointed with this decision for a number of reasons:

The sign doesn't even make sense, let alone offend. What exactly is a bong hit 4 Jesus? Is he trying to say that he gets high for Jesus' benefit? Is he saying that the ex-Carpenter (the profession, not the soft pop ensemble featuring that anorexic) liked to get high? I really wish he had been more clear, so we knew exactly who he was offending.
We still don't know what is or is not protected. Sure, we know we can't say "bong hits 4 Jesus," but what can we do 4 Jesus? Would a sign saying "Baby seal clubbing 4 Jesus," or "Porno downloading 4 Jesus" have been protected under the First Amendment? I have a blank poster and some smelly markers at home, and I need more guidance. (But I can't use the black one. Honestly, licorice? I think every little kid threw that stanky one away)
The main job of the Supreme Court is to interpret the original intent of the founding fathers. If you took a trip to Virginia and somehow brought Thomas Jefferson to life, do you think he would really have a problem with a sign that says "bong hits 4 Jesus?" I've heard that ole Tommy J liked to hit the Mary J from time to time himself. Do you think he was screwing "the help" completely sober? I'll bet it took a lot of drugs and alcohol for him to sleep at night with the massive hypocrisy he was guilty of.

Primogeniture Revisited

2007-06-22T11:31:00.000-04:00

Remember the "crazy" policy Britons used to have in which they'd give their first-born males all the land, and essentially banish the poor younger brother to Ellis Island to start a new life with the "ethnics" in some crowded New York City borough? Well, maybe they're not so crazy after all: it turns out first born children actually score 2.3 IQ points higher, on average, than their younger sibling. As someone who has an older brother, I am somewhat reluctant to report this information. There are three possible explanations for this phenomenon:

1) Older children tend to teach their younger siblings, and that act of teaching raises the IQ
2) Indian burns, wet willies, purple nurples, and BB gun wounds lower intelligence
3) There is a known older sibling bias to standardized testing

After careful consideration, I have decided that the answer is...number 3. First borns try to run everything with an iron fist at the expense of their unsuspecting, much cuter little siblings. You know who was a first born? Saddam Hussein, Stalin, and Mussolini.

Do you really think your older brother, the one who always hogged the remote, sat shotgun with Mom on the way to the grocery store, and got to eat the biggest chicken breast at Boston Market would give us younger ones an even chance on IQ tests? Of course not. Is it a coincidence that Albert Binet, inventor of the Stanford-Binet IQ Test that is so popular, was the oldest child? Not to a chance. This oppression has gone on too long, I call on all younger siblings to rise up against the oppressive first borns. They may be bigger and get to wear new clothes instead of hand-me-downs, but we got numbers! My parents only had two kids, but I know there are a whole bunch of Catholic mothers out there with batches of younger siblings (and probably a bun in the oven as we speak).

In Case You Missed It...

2007-06-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

Geniuses Pick Detroit
Of all the cities in the world, MENSA chose Detroit for their next convention. I believe Matt Millen is scheduled to be the keynote speaker.

iPhone, YouTube, we all scream for ice cream!
YouTube has announced that it will provide an application on the new iPhone. So now, not only can workers be unproductive in front of their computer screens but on conference calls and meetings as well.

Bloomberg leaves GOP
65 year-old New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that after a 5-year trial run with the Republicans he has decided to become an independent. That's like being married for 40 years, leaving your wife for a cleaner-cut, more fiscally conservative girlfriend, than deciding after 5 years that life as a bachelor is the way to go. And this has nothing to do with the presidential election less than two years from now. Also don't pay any attention to that whirlwind 18-city tour he just took. I'm sure it was mayoral business, that's all.

Google is funding the electric car
Not only does the Big Three have to compete with those efficient Japanese, but now has those
Birkenstock-clad Silicon Valley geeks to worry about, too. Just give up Ford, you can't compete with a company that made something as great as gmail.

10 Commandments of Driving

2007-06-20T10:25:00.000-04:00

The Vatican has issued its "Ten Commandments for Drivers," which makes a lot of sense to me. When it comes to using technology, the first place I look to is the Catholic Church, because they're always on the cutting edge of everything (I mean they really called out the Holocaust before anyone else. Oh wait, actually they didn't). I'm glad Catholics now have divine direction when they get behind the wheel. I'm still waiting for them to issue directions for sitting in a movie theater, cell phone commandments, etc.

But the real news story here is from the DMV. They became so upset that the Catholic Church was stepping on their toes that they have issued their own 10 Commandments for running a Church.

1. Make people wait in line. A long time.

2. The road to Heaven is paved with meaningless paperwork.

3. You cannot pray until you are 15, in which case one must have a parent or guardian present until the age of 16.

4. No drinking and praying, unless it's wine, the Blood of Christ, in which case you're BCC level cannot be above .1 (BCC stands for Blood Christ Content, in other words no more than one tenth of a percent of your blood can be from Christ.)

5. Vision tests are mandatory. You must be able to identify which piece of toast is the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary.

6. Your First Communion registers you for Jury Duty, so be careful.

7. Each parking ticket equals 40 Hail Mary's (approximate dollar value of 40 Hail Mary's: $27.50)

8. Old people are closer to dying (or crashing their car) so milk as much money out of them as you can while they're still alive.

9. Running over a few cones is OK if you repent later.

10. Thou Shalt not covet thy neighbor's personalized license plate. The state of Wisconsin can only issue one "ASSMAN" plate.

HD DVD vs Blu Ray

2007-06-19T14:25:00.001-04:00

The most interesting non-iPhone tech news of late has been the ongoing battle between Sony's Blu Ray and HD DVD, two competing technologies that seek to eventually replace the DVD player. Every time a studio backs one or the other, the media treats it as an important indicator of who's "winning." Just today Blockbuster announced that it would only be renting out Blu Ray discs from its new stores. But they should stop wasting their time reporting on these matters, because this race is over. How do I know this? Follow the pornography. Let's look back at a little history...

In the mid 80's, my family bought a Betamax machine. My dad, being the savvy TV guy that he is (he's spent almost his whole life working in TV) did his research and decided that the Betamax was the best machine out there, far superior to the VHS. It was a great experience. But then, a funny thing happened. VHS won the war, and at Christmas 1992, our household finally bit the bullet and bought a VHS VCR (along with Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and Home Alone, great choices by the way). I was nine, and I was excited to have "upgraded" our technology. But in fact, it was a much crappier machine. So why did it win? There was more porn available in that format. And so if you're a porno fan (and I have a feeling most of my readers probably are), buy a Blu Ray. They've won.

So what's the take home message in all of this? I think it's a really good thing that humans do not reproduce asexually. Because all of our inventions have been to impress the opposite sex or to simulate sex in the most realistic way possible. Roman aqueducts? Sex. Great Wall of China? Sex. Quesadilla Maker? Obviously, sex. I don't know who invented the VCR, but I bet it was some guy who wanted to pause his favorite sex scenes in movies. And then someone decided it didn't look enough like life, so now we have it in High Definition. My point is, if you derive any satisfaction as a human being because we have developed so many advanced technologies you should get off your pedestal. We might not throw feces at a mate to grab her attention, but is inventing a higher quality pornographic machine really any more sophisticated?

Gay Bomb

2007-06-15T14:04:00.000-04:00

Filed under the category, I can't make this s*&$ up, the Pentagon apparently sought to build a 'Gay Bomb.' Wow.

The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another," Hammond said after reviewing the documents.

There are so many places I can go with this that I'm at a loss for words. This piece of news to me is like if an Exxon Mobil executive simultaneously discovered 4 different huge oil reserves underground in Montana or something. He wouldn't know where to begin. Should I joke about not needing a bomb, just put on a Clay Aiken CD? Or about how the targeted troops would need a "Don't Ask, Don't Smell Policy" after the bomb hit?"

But as you know by now, I avoid bad puns like the plague. Instead, here is my list of bombs the Pentagon should be developing:

Harry Potter Bomb: This bomb would take the form of a phone call to every soldier's children, informing them that Harry Potter has been killed. The troops would then be forced to console their crying offspring instead of fighting. If J.K. Rowling doesn't agree, start development on the Dora the Explorer Bomb or the Hannah Montana Bomb.

Oprah Bomb: Oprah would add every troop's book to her list, causing a media whirlwind that distracts them from their missions.

Detroit Lions Bomb: This bomb would only work on Lions fans, but it's a good one. It would be a single bomb deployed at the Ford Family house that would mean the Lions would finally have new ownership. The Lions fans would be so overjoyed that they may actually now be able to see the Lions play in a Super Bowl in their lifetime that they will not do anything to risk their life anymore.

Swiss Bomb: The opponent becomes so disgustingly neutral they can't even decide which shoe to tie first, let alone which enemy to fire at.

The Wayans Brothers Bomb: A special form of torture in which millions of Wayans Brother DVD's are pelted on the enemy.

Illegal Immigrant Bomb: The Pentagon rounds up millions of Illegal Immigrants and drops them on the enemy. When they sign up to do the military work at half the price and with longer hours, the existing army gets disenfranchised and quits. This one may actually make matters worse, especially when they all agree to live in one really cramped barracks. But it makes more sense than building a wall on the border.

Muchas gracias to Heide, for the link and the idea.

Trix* are for kids!! Oh wait, no they aren't

2007-06-14T14:31:00.000-04:00

Michigan's own Kellogg's Corporation, in a bold move, has agreed to stop marketing their sugary cereal to kids. This means no more Apple Jacks, Cocoa Krispies, Corn Puffs, Froot Loops, Raisin Bran, and Smacks in commercials aimed at children. Smacks earns the distinction of having the most racist character as their mascot; Dig 'Em Frog. (He follows in the large footsteps of KKK member Michigan J. Frog).

But let's back to the Grape Nuts and bolts of this. I think I have a pretty good idea how the cereal companies make their money. Put a bunch of sugary crap that contributes nothing to a healthy diet, slap a cartoon character to draw in kids and people who enjoy racist things, and market it as "breakfast." I'm sure that if you eat a bowl of milk with cookies in it, you don't have a breakfast, you have a very early dessert (and I'd suggest switching to sweat pants with an elastic waistband).

Back in 1983 (the year in which I spent 9 months in the womb, aka my most productive year as a human being. I mean, I grew all 21 of my appendages that year!) Cookie Crisp's slogan was "You can't have cookies for breakfast, but you can have Cookie Crisp!" Who were they trying to fool here? Why don't you just put a pack of cigarettes in a bowl of milk and sell it to middle schoolers? "You can't smoke as a middle schooler, but you can have Smokey-O's!"

Anyway, this is a long time coming, and hopefully other companies follow this trend. It only makes sense. We bombard our kids with sugary foods and lovable characters with racist undertones, and we're surprised we end up with obese, sometimes prejudiced children?

*Note to any nitpickers out there: Yes, I know Trix is a General Mills product, not Kellogg's, but none of the Kellogg's cereals lent themselves as well to a quick and dirty pun. There, I just saved you some time to write those angry letters to the editor to Reader's Digest you've been trying to get to.

100th Post!

2007-06-13T08:55:00.000-04:00

Wow, this is the 100th post on pre-marital sax. For those of you that have been with me the whole time, thank you. For those of you that are more recent readers, I say thank you as well. It was a little rough in the beginning, when I actually was trying to have a serious blog (I should have known my limitations). For example, I have to laugh when I read this one on hybrid cabs, or my very first post.

I don't really have anything special planned, so here are a couple of items in brief:

Mr. Wizard Has Died
This is a tough blow, almost as bad as if Macgyver had died. Watching Mr. Wizard do magical things with science had mesmerized me as a young boy, but unfortunately even he couldn't conjure up a cure for his own cancer. If someone had just given him some Hydrochloric acid and some dry ice, I'm sure he could have he cured himself. Bill Nye the Science Guy had better get his act together, it's on him now.

Pepsi tries cucumber drink
They're marketing a cucumber-flavored drink to Japan. Either the Japanese are crazier than I thought (which I hardly deem possible) or this is going to go over like New Coke.

Bullies prone to sleep problems
A University of Michigan study has shown that bullies tend to have more problems sleeping than other kids. To which I say, tough luck. Are we supposed to feel sorry for these little tormentors? Just take an Ambien and leave that pale kid with glasses alone.

Sextuplet Boom!
In a period of 2 days, a dozen babies descended from just 2 wombs. I can see Hollywood writers running to the typewriters now to compose "Cheaper by the Dozen 3: Ashton Kutcher impregnates two women with sextuplets."

Google = Big Brother

2007-06-11T16:04:00.000-04:00

There has been a new development at Google that has the potential to revolutionize how we look at the world. It's called Google Street View and it is the culmination of twenty years of technology aimed at getting laughs at the worst members of society.

It works like this: Google sent out a bunch of cameras to a few select cities, and took enough pictures to do "Google Maps" on the street level. If someone's picking their nose or sunbathing topless, them's the brakes. This is just the latest development in a genre I like to call "People are stupider than we like to believe" Humor (you can put any Wayans brother or Jamie Kennedy work in this genre).

First there was the Bob Saget-hosted America's Funniest Home Videos, in which stupid people who happened to be running their camcorder would document such hilarity as the 7 year old kid hitting a softball to his dad's groin, the ill-advised bike stunt, or their cat doing something that only they thought was funny. This was a great development, but had some limitations. You could only watch it once a week, and it was limited by what ABC executives were willing to air. If a Republican slips in the next few months and calls Hillary Clinton the c-word, it wouldn't make it on America's Funniest Home Videos.

But then, along came YouTube. All of a sudden anyone can submit a video, and anyone can watch it. No more FCC and ABC to get in the way of our voyeuristic viewing pleasures. This was good, but it wasn't quite Big Brother enough. Someone had to actually submit the video to the site. So if it was truly embarrassing it would probably not make the cut (unless you have very cruel friends.) And there is one more problem with YouTube: it requires a digital video camera, a computer, and a high-speed internet connection. The lowest rungs of society (and the people who do the craziest stuff, like the man that dropped trow and took a dump in the park near my house) are completely excluded, barring some sort of Joe Francis-esque exploitative trip to the ghetto.

But this Google Street View is the culmination of those prior innovations. It can capture anyone doing anything with very limited censorship. And with millions of people trolling Google looking for embarrassing photos, they're sure to catch some funny stuff. And they sure did. What do you think the odds are that this guy has a Youtube account?

Guest Post: The Next NFL Reality Shows

2007-06-11T10:02:00.000-04:00

In a first for premarital sax we have the special honor of a guest poster, Nathan(don't call me Nathaniel) Forster in what may become a recurring segment. His areas of expertise include a rabid obsession with the NFL and Dragonball Z, and he contributes to the blog Two Man Backfield.

Amidst all of the controversy surrounding the exit of Trent Green from Kansas City, HBO in its infinite wisdom is planning a new reality show for the Herman Edward's run outfit. HBO, however, has only hit the tip of the iceberg: here's some more ideas for new programs featuring NFL players:

Who Wants to Be the Next Dan Marino?

In a complicated six-team trade the Miami Dolphins swap their 2008 second round pick for 8 6th round picks, which they in turn trade for quarterbacks Chris Redman, J.T. O'Sullivan, Kyle Orton, Brian St. Pierre, Omar Jacobs, Stoney Case, Chad Hutchinson, and Jeff George (!!). These eight gentlemen will compete for the starting quarterback position for the Miami Dolphins, along with a cameo appearance in Ace Ventura 3: Jim Carrey Realizes He Should Stick to Comedies.

Most Notable Moment: Early favorite, second round pick John Beck, is eliminated after suffering a freak injury during the Isotoner Gloves challenge.

Clinton Portis Says the Darndest Things!

Bill Cosby hosts a weekly half-hour interview session with Washington Redskins running back Clinton Portis. Topics range from Cosby's views on social issues, dogfighting, and exactly where Dr. I Don't Know earned his medical degree. Although the critics may pan it, they must admit that Clinton Portis does in fact say the darndest things!

Most Notable Moment: The audience erupts in gasps when Clinton Portis reveals that Southeast Jerome was in fact murdered by Picture Pages marker Ichabod Mortimer.

Living With Leaf

San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers has it all: a pro bowl berth, a playoff team, millions of dollars, a great southern drawl, and an apartment in sunny San Diego. However, when he puts an add for a flatmate on Craigslist, only one man answers the call: former San Diego quarterback and current West Texas A&M coach Ryan Leaf! Tune in to see if living with Leaf's temper, fragile psyche, and poor mechanic rub off on poor Philip. And you can bet that whenever Rivers brings a girlfriend home, Leaf is bound to say something charmingly inappropriate!

Most Notable Moment: During a mid-afternoon jawing session, Ryan Leaf tosses Philip Rivers a hoagie, only to have it intercepted by "wacky neighbor" and former NFL defensive back and head coach Wayne Fontes, who returns the sandwich for a touchdown.

E-VICK-TED!

OK, we all know that illegal dogfighting went on in Michael Vick's Surry County home, but what illegal activities are going on in the various other properties owned by #7? Join Michael Vick on a hilarious romp as he checks up on his many homes. Watch as the crimes run the gambit from owning a firearm without a license to sodomy!

Most Notable Moment: Maurice Clarett and Marcus Vick guest star in an episode that manages to steal both the audience's dignity and its cell phone.

Paper Lion II

Relive the George Plimpton classic as Tuesdays With Morrie author Mitch Albom joins the Detroit Lions for training camp. Unfortunately, because the Lions' depth chart is full at quarterback, Mitch is penciled in at right tackle. Watch as Mitch Albom takes on ferocious NFL pass rushers such as Bill Swancutt and Jared DeVries!

Most Notable Moment: Mitch Albom appears for spot duty in a few regular season games after injuries sideline Lions George Foster and Rex Tucker. Surprisingly, Mitch Albom's performance is commiserate with the level of play of the typical Detroit Lion offensive lineman, and he quickly develops better blocking techniques and fundamentals than Stockar McDougle.

Wheelin' It

2007-06-08T09:48:00.001-04:00

There was quite a story out of my home state of Michigan yesterday. A wheelchair-bound man was crossing a street when a semi truck unsuspectingly drove into him, trapping his wheelchair to the grille of a semi. He then went on a 5 mile ride down the freeway until the driver was alerted there was more than a few squished bugs on the front of his truck. I feel no qualms about making light of the situation, since the guy was OK, and his wheelchair even survived, after changing the tires. This incident raises many questions:

-Would it be unethical to stop making wheelchair-accessible cars, and instead push the disabled people in front?

-Doesn't Cedar Point have a great new idea for a ride now? The Truck-Pushed Wheelchair Ride?

-Was the guy ticketed for not wearing a seat belt?

-Will ABC steal this premise for their next TV show? Wouldn't be the stupidest thing they've ever done.

Thank god for a news story that doesn't involve Paris Hilton.

Wii-itis

2007-06-07T10:41:00.001-04:00

I used to be really jealous of today's kids. They have no idea how good they have it. They get to play Guitar Hero (a game I would have loved), they get to roll around on their Heely roller shoes and the Nintendo Wii totally blows away the NES and SNES I played as a youth.

But it turns out all this new technology is just another thing for Mom to fret about. Guitar Hero famously injured Tigers Pitcher Joel Zumaya, roller shoes have caused hundreds of accidents, and now it appears people are getting "Wii Tennis Elbow," otherwise known as "Wiiitis."

I really hope Wiiitis makes it in the New England Journal of Medicine. I imagine if it does, the entry will look a little something like this:

Wiiitis (pronounced wee-ay-tis)- an all-encompassing term for any injury sustained during play of Nintendo Wii. Examples of Wiiitis can include Wii Tennis Elbow, Wii Boxing Wrist, Mario Groin Pull, and Yoshi's Montezuma's Revenge. Consult with Dr. Mario or your primary care physician if you experience any symptoms. Or just buy this game.

Top 10 Weirdly Memorable Movie Scenes

2007-06-05T11:03:00.001-04:00

There are some movies that we immediately forget, and there are some movies that are showered with awards that we watch over and over again. But there are some movies that might not have been great, but had that one creepy scene that we immediately think of when someone mentions that movie. This is a list of those scenes.

10.. Borat: If you've seen the movie, you know actually what scene I'm talking about. The scene was so disturbing that if I relive it too much it will require overtime pay for my therapist, so I'm going to keep my description to two words: naked flopping.

9. Pulp Fiction: The sex slave in the basement. In a movie with so many memorable scenes ("Royale With Cheese," plunging the syringe into Uma's heart), that weird S & M slave stands out.

8. Cocoon: What does anyone remember about Cocoon? Old people getting naked. I think my generation has been permanently scarred by the old wrinkly flesh we were subjected to at a very young age.

7. Gremlins: This whole movie wins an award for weirdness. A boy gets a really cute little creature, but it hatches evil gremlin babies when you feed it chicken after Midnight? Who the hell came up with that premise? The Omaha Steak people? After watching that movie, I didn't feed my guinea pig any chicken after 7 pm (just to be safe). The one scene that weirded everyone out the most had to be the Gremlin that exploded in a microwave.

6. There's Something About Mary: Ben Stiller gets his manjunk stuck in the zipper on Prom Night. Three reasons this scene stood out: 1) this movie preceded the gross-out R-Rated comedies that are so common today, so it was more of a shock, 2) they actually showed what was stuck in the zipper, and 3) the line "was it the franks or the beans?" was a classic that I think my Dad is still laughing about 9 years later.

5. Jurassic Park: How great was it when that dude got eaten off a toilet from the T Rex? A perfect melding of 1990's technology and pre-historic aggression.

4. Titanic: Kate Winslett steams up the car with Leonardo DiCaprio. A huge ship with thousands of people in it are going down and all I can remember about this movie is that Leo and Kate had sex in a car and steamed it up. Barely nudges past the "I want to paint you naked" scene.

3. Total Recall: The mutant hooker with three breasts is Exhibit A for why sex-starved guys flock to Science Fiction. Oh man, a woman with three breasts! That would be awesome! I bet they feel like bags of sand.

2. Demolition Man: Watching Sandra Bullock casually ask Sylvester Stallone if he wanted to have sex and the strap on some sort of crazy virtual reality headset on him showcases how unintentionally funny Sly has the potential to be. And Man's worst nightmare.

1. Waterworld: Here's an experiment to try that never fails: bring up the movie Waterworld to a group of your friends. I guarantee within 5 minutes someone will mention how Kevin Costner drank his own pee in that movie. Memo to the Bush Administration: don't admit that "all the facts are in" on global warming until we've resorted to drinking our own urine.

Blackberry's to Bowling Alleys

2007-06-05T09:17:00.000-04:00

Need more evidence that the city of Washington, D.C. takes itself too seriously? Take kickball. Once considered a nostalgic childhood escape from the humdrum political 9 to 5 life of our nation's capital, even something that pure is not safe in the lawyer-infested city of Washington. The kickball league I enjoy participating in so much is being sued by a rival league for stealing another league's rules of play. Call me crazy, but aren't the rules of play of kickball the same everywhere? You kick the ball and round the bases. That's basically it.

In honor of this farce of a lawsuit, I've decided to create a measuring tool for judging how uptight cities are. I have named it the "Blackberry to Bowling Alley Ratio." (Patent Pending) The Blackberry is possibly the World's second most evil invention (slightly behind the Atom Bomb, and slightly more evil the Quesadilla Maker). The more blackberry's a town has, the more likely it is to be obsessed with work, at the expense of free time, family time, and "nocturnal time" (in this city, I wouldn't be surprised if people check their email during sex). But what is the opposite of a Blackberry? A bowling alley, that's what.

Bowling alleys are possibly one of the greatest inventions of mankind. It's a building in which one can drink with friends, and play a sport in which being in shape or being sober are not required, but are actually discouraged. Wearing someone else's colorful shoes, singing karoake and trying to get a stuffed animal from one of those stuffed animal-grabbing machines sweetens the deal even more. Basically it's every fat, fun-loving, American alcoholic's dream. Which makes it the Ying to the Blackberry's Yang.

So what is D.C.'s ratio? As far as I know, D.C. has only three bowling alleys in the entire city (!): one in the George Washington University Student Union, one attached to the Verizon Center where the Wizards play, and one in the White House (remember this picture with Nixon?) I would estimate that there are about 150,000 Blackberry's in D.C., which gives it a record-breaking Blackberry to Bowling Alley Ratio of 50,000 to 1. The only community to ever come close to that level of work/no play were the no sex-having, furniture-making Shakers.

Weekend Recap

2007-06-04T11:05:00.000-04:00

Captain Obvious, otherwise known as Newt Gingrich, stated over the weekend that Bush may hurt Republicans in 2008. He also stated that Hurricane Katrina damaged New Orleans, and a lot of people watch American Idol.

Actor Perry Caravello is suing Jackass star Johnny Knoxville for 10 million dollars because he agreed to put his genitals in a mouse trap for a stunt for a movie, and claimed he never got paid for it. I'm inspired by this incident to call for a new law. Let's call it the "Perry Caravello's Balls" Law, and here is what it should mandate: "any person with a small enough brain to induce them to agree to place their testicles, penis, taint, or any sensitive man-part into a mouse trap, vise, or batting cage for TV shows such as Jackass shall thereby forfeit any and all legal rights for future compensations. And they should lose their right to vote."

Man wakes up from 19-year coma
A Polish man just woke up from a 19-year coma. And in case he's reading, I will provide him a synopsis of what he missed. (If you think he probably doesn't know how to use the internet and certainly won't be able to find this site, I would ask you to be less cynical and remind you that he may have been a fan of the precursor to this site, the early-80's weekly magazine Pre-Marital Sax Digest)
Politics: You missed a Bush, a Clinton, another Bush, and you're just in time for another Clinton
Sports: The Lions didn't win anything, just like in the 19 years before your coma.
Fads: You missed the slap bracelet.
Technology: Toilets now flush themselves. Yes, we are too lazy to pull down a simple lever to eradicate our waste.
Movies: The Wayans brothers run Hollywood.
TV: Yes, the Simpsons are still on. I'm not sure about Gunsmoke, though.

Larry Flynt is offering 1 million dollars to anyone who could provide proof of an illicit sexual encounter with a high-ranking government official. Now would be the perfect time to tell him about my intense fling with Janet Reno. I'm not happy about what I did, but what can I say, power is sexy.

OK, I didn't want to report on it, but I feel obliged. One of America's great treasures, Paris Hilton, is now serving time in jail. The apocalypse is upon us. Our beauty queens are getting booed in Mexico and a really rich person could not figure out a way to avoid jail time. If just one more crazy thing happens, I'm preparing for the Rapture (like, say people not complaining when gas prices go up at the beginning of the summer. It's called supply and demand, people, and it happens every year. You don't hear me complaining about the Lions sustaining more than their share of injuries and underachieving. I'm sorry, but sane people aren't surprised by consistently annual events.)

Tipping Point from Miss USA

2007-05-31T12:51:00.001-04:00

A tipping point has been reached. Many Americans have complained (myself included) about our diminished stature in the World, about how so many foreigners hate America. We have seen this manifested in a number of ways (surveys, incidents of attacks abroad, etc), but it has finally reached its tipping point: they are booing our beautiful women. And not just not any beautiful woman, Miss USA. The worst part was that this contest wasn't held in the Middle East, or a Muslim country. No, it was being held just south of our border, in Mexico.

What happened? Just a few years ago, if a beautiful white American woman traveled to Mexico on Spring Break she would be treated like a Honus Wagner baseball card: the holy grail for sex-deprived men. A moderately attractive American female could expect to receive catcalls, unprovoked groping, and more positive attention than she could ever dream of. I have little doubt that some fugly or slightly overweight girls took a trip down there for a boost of self-confidence. It must have been comforting for them to know there was a whole country of men South of the border willing to buy them drinks and yell "Bonita, tengo un coche para jodernos." (Don't translate that)

This problem is bigger than the fates of our mediocre ladies: this is the last straw for the Bush Administration. This episode has convinced me more than anything else that we have lost all respect globally. We provide Mexico's most desolate people with jobs and great music from bands like Third Eye Blind and Gin Blossoms (I think their radio is still in the 90's), and yet they boo Miss USA? What have we done wrong? And more importantly, what chance does a regular-looking gringo like myself have when he goes down there? We plucked a hottie from the middle of the Tennessee cornfields, dressed her up and paraded her down their runways wearing very little clothing, and she still got booed. What are they going to do to me? I guess it's going to cost me a lot more to bribe the cop after my next arrest in Tijuana.

Oh, and by the way, this happened, too:

Nigerian Prince to...Nigerian Puppy?

2007-05-29T14:51:00.000-04:00

Photo courtesy of cuteoverload.com

Now I have gotten many unsolicited emails like this, and I always have tried to open up a banking account as quickly as possible. If there is a Nigerian prince out there who needs an affluent foreigner to help him access his fortune, who am I to say no? I'm happy to report we must have helped them all out, because I no longer receive these emails. Nothing irritates my fragile moral compass quite like African royalty in dire straits, so this comes as good news.

But there's an even worse problem out there that hits me right in my sweet spot (which is located, for those who are curious, somewhere above my knees but below my sternum): there are some desperately cute puppies that need a home. I recently received this email:

Lovely puppy needs loving home

Lovely English bulldog puppy needing a loving and caring home, full of wrinkles, she is up to date on all her shots. Fine with kids and other pets, AKC and will come along with all her papers and toys, she will make the best house pet, will bring much love and joy to your home or family. Contact for more if you want to add her to your family.

Discounted puppies for sale on the internet from an unnamed Nigerian with an off-shore slush fund? This one sounds like an airtight, no-risk purchase. I lost a lot of money trying to liberate their princes, but I have a good feeling about this one. Look at this puppy. How can you say no to that face?

In Case You Missed It...

2007-05-24T10:25:00.001-04:00

In case you missed it...

Viagra cures jet lag
Don't flight attendants have it tough enough already? They have to deal with jackass business travelers, turbulence, work long hours, and wear those uncomfortable polyester uniforms. Now they're going to have to do all this with all the male passengers fully erect? Don't be too surprised if there's a dip in applicants in the near future.

Panda at Memphis Zoo gets pregnant
No word on if they needed to use panda pornography.

Oversized American flag causes flap in Las Vegas
The flag owner, who was flying the flag at his auto dealership, defended himself by saying: "The building's oversized, the sign's oversized, the cars are oversized." And we wonder why other countries hate America?

Apple moans over sex toy ad
I can't believe I didn't think of it first. Look at this ad:
That's pretty amazing. You'd think Apple would be cool enough to appreciate the homage, but they are sending a cease and desist letter.

Finger Length predicts SAT performance
Having longer ring fingers is correlated with higher Math scores. Upon hearing this news, Ohio State University has awarded Shaquille O'Neal with a P.H.D. in Differential Integral Thermonuclear Trigonometric Algebra.

Preakness

2007-05-21T13:41:00.000-04:00

This year, I had the pleasure of attending the Preakness. The least known horse race, the Preakness is the middle child of the Triple Crown: oft-forgotten, but still noteworthy. And it takes place in a city that is often forgotten, due to its proximity to Washington, D.C., and is also noteworthy (as any watcher of The Wire could tell you).

The main event didn't actually take place until about 6:15, so like any American sporting event, the fans passed the time with a little pre-event tailgating. As we drove in from D.C., we were immediately confronted with enterprising capitalism at work. People everywhere were holding crudely constructed cardboard signs for parking spots in the surrounding neighborhoods. In fact, I was able to judge how close we were by the price . At first, it was 5 dollars to park, but we knew we were almost there when someone was selling a spot for 30 dollars (!). Along with the Parking Capitalists, little kids were selling grocery cart rides for 5 dollars (?), and adults were selling every sort of food stuff possible. As I walked past one of these freelance entrepreneurs with a Bud Light can in my hand, he remarked that I "might want to purchase a bottle of water to deal with the inevitable hangover." I almost bought it from him just to reward his creativity.

We decided to get to Pimlico at about 12:30 to enjoy some pre-Preakness panini's and libations. Unfortunately as this was not the Kentucky Derby, mint juleps were nowhere to be found. We paid extra care to not leave any empty cans or trash in the parking lot, and headed into the race. This proved to be the biggest waste of time ever, because as we got closer to the stadium, I think there was actually more crushed beer cans and trash than exposed grass/dirt. Now, close your eyes and try to picture the crowd at a horse race. OK, open your eyes. Did you picture something like this?
But really, the crowd was more like this:

Girls flashing the crowd, people passed out and getting Sharpie'd on, puking: I would describe the crowd in the pit as NASCAR fans on crack. There were rows upon rows of port-a-potties, which served two purposes for me: 1) area to pee in and 2) source of amusement. First of all, people were so drunk that they did not even bother to flip the switch on the door, so as I was searching for an open stall, I kept seeing people fling open the door, then abruptly close it again, with the awkward facial expression that only comes after witnessing another human being taking care of business. The port-a-potty engineers don't make it too difficult: you step inside, close the door and flick the latch 90 degrees to the left. The door is locked, and the color is red on the outside. But apparently even that simple task that could have been easily taught to the dumbest monkeys required too much manual dexterity and intellectual know-how from the denizens of Baltimore.

The second source of amusement provided by the port-a-potties was a bizarre ritual that I have never witnessed before, and probably will never witness again. Drunken fools would climb on top of one of them, and then sprint and leap from one to the other until they got to the other end of the row. The sight of an inebriated youth doing their best Spider-Man impression as they leaped from stall to stall would have been funny enough. But no, they did this while the fans below tried to hit them with flying beer cans! Why anyone would subject themselves to this kind of tortuous situation is a mystery to me. I found myself bizarrely intrigued by the whole scene, like an anthropologist watching African tribesman mutilate each other with strange piercings. I also found myself cheering for them to be drilled by the flying beer cans. I don't know if it was a Darwinian desire to see the dumbest members of our society eliminated from the gene pool, or just the morbid desire I have to witness carnage (such as people cheering for car crashes at races or hoping Brady Quinn will not get drafted until the 2nd round).

So who won the race? No one of us knew until the next day (it was Curlin). I actually saw about 5 seconds of the race, had no rooting interest, and there wasn't the excited announcer that you get when you watch it on TV. But a good time was had by all.

UPDATE: Video has been posted of said event. I feel a little guilty in retrospect for cheering for those people to be hit.

It's so easy, even an ABC executive could do it...

2007-05-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

ABC has announced their next big comedy...and it's the GEICO Caveman. Have we really run out of ideas, America? Has everything already been done before? Excuse me for not being too excited about the prospect of 24 episodes of 22 minute extension of a mildly amusing commercial bit. These commercials basically have one joke: a caveman is plunked down in our society, and faces prejudice for his supposed lack of sophistication and intelligence, and yet he is just as smart and sophisticated as any modern human. There, that's the entire premise from all of those commercials. They're going to milk 11 hours of "entertainment" per year out of that? And yet there was no room on this year's schedule for Arrested Development, Veronica Mars, or Freaks and Geeks?

If this was such a great idea, we would have already seen the following TV Shows:

Yo Quiero Love: A romantic comedy starring the Taco Bell chihuahua as he searches for love in all the wrong places.

AFLAC Duck in the City: A hip comedy set in the Big Apple about the AFLAC duck and his three fowl friends as they discuss men, shoes, and relationships.

Flavor of Love, Aunt Jemima: 25 men battle for the affections of newly sexy and single Aunt Jemima. No word yet on if Uncle Ben will participate.

CSI: Toucan Sam. Toucan Sam "follows his nose" to solve crimes.

Celebrity Fit Club: Kool-Aid Man. VHI casts the Kool-Aid Man in their latest reality show centered around weight loss. Needless to say, the phrase "it's mostly water weight" is uttered a disgustingly high number of times.

Are You Smarter Than the Gerber Baby? In this wild trivia show average Americans are pitted against the Gerber Baby to answer a series of thought-provoking questions. Larry the Cable Guy hosts.

Whistle (and exercise) While You Work

2007-05-16T11:11:00.000-04:00

Revolutionary news today on the fight against obesity. Scientists have tested a "walking workstation," which is basically a treadmill with a workstation attached, so one could type and walk at the same time. They theorized that using this device for 2-3 hours a day for every day would result in a weight loss of 44-66 pounds a year. As you can guess from my fat kids rant, I'm all for this. I don't know how many of you reading this sit in front of a desk for 8 hours a day, but it's brutal. Human beings were not meant to sit, in a sedentary position, for 8 hours straight every day. I find myself looking for an excuse to get up and walk around at least once an hour.

So this could be the perfect answer for inactive American workers. We may not be able to chase saber tooth tigers all day like our ancestors did, but we're getting a lot closer. I imagine it would look pretty strange at first (can you picture someone walking on a treadmill and playing Solitaire, while wearing business casual?), but most Americans probably think millions of Danes riding their bike to work in a suit looks funny, too, and that's a great thing.

This is such a great idea that we can extend it to other jobs, too:

Tollbooth collector: are you telling me they can't use an elliptical machine while they collect coins and open up that gate?

Psychologist: would you rather dish your life secrets and blame your mother lying down on a couch, or would you rather tell your shrink all this while you're both taking a spinning class? You could lose weight and emotional baggage at the same time!

Pilot: those poor pilots have to sit in the captain's chair, essentially immobile for long international flights (and then they get liquored up at the bar afterward, not exactly helping their figure). I think we should install rowing machines in the cockpit for whichever co-pilot is not doing the piloting. If they crashed the plane into the water (which is now more likely to happen because they'll be distracted), they could swim to safety with their toned upper body.

Telemarketer: yes, we all hate these people, so I'm going out on a limb to try and help them. But they are already emotionally damaged from having so many people hang up on them. They shouldn't have to be physically damaged, too. Install barbells and stress balls for whichever hand is not holding the phone. Chances are that they'll still hate their life, but at least we can help their confidence by winning arm wrestling matches after work.

Baby Names

2007-05-14T14:52:00.000-04:00

As they do every Mother's Day, the U.S. Social Security Administration has released the top baby names from 2006.

1	Jacob (1)	Emily (1)
2	Michael (2)	Emma (2)
3	Joshua (3)	Madison (3)
4	Ethan (5)	Isabella (6)
5	Matthew (4)	Ava (9)
6	Daniel (7)	Abigail (4)
7	Christopher (9)	Olivia (5)
8	Andrew (6)	Hannah (7)
9	Anthony (8)	Sophia (11)
10	William (11)	Samantha (8)

*parentheses denote last year's ranking

We're number 2!! That's right, my name (Michael) is perched at its usual spot of number 2 for the fifth straight year: popular, but not showing anyone up. The girls' list seems a little weird to me: I don't know any Madison's, Isabella's, Olivia's, Sophia's, or Ava's. Maybe I need to creep around on myspace a little more? (just kidding)

If any of you out there have a bun in the oven, or are responsible for inserting the bun ingredients into the oven and need a name for your child, you can consult this list. Or better yet, you can consult the Pre-Marital Sax List of what NOT to name your child in 2007.

Boys:

1) Ashton. Senor Kutcher, you have ruined the name "Ashton" for an entire generation.

2) Adolf. You have to search the backwoods of Mississippi to find any kids with this name.

3) George. Who wants to be the last person named after a mistake?

4) Cho Seung-Hui. It's too bad, I was planning on naming my first-born this.

5) Scranton. Naming kids after cities seems to be popular these days: Austin, Cleveland, Brooklyn. For some reason, not even The Office can convince people to name their boys after this Pennsylvania steel town.

Girls:

1) Lindsay, Paris, Nicole (three-way tie). The pantie-less trio has claimed another victim: their names.

2) Lleh. A bunch of enterprising parents have named their girls Nevaeh, or Heaven spelled backwards. So far spelling Hell backwards hasn't caught on as well. But when your little lady reaches 15 you may regret not giving her this more appropriate moniker.

3) Katrina. This name will no longer rock anyone "like a hurricane."

4) Abstinence. I think this is a beautiful name for a girl. And since Bush is such a fan of "Abstinence-Only Education", your child will get the one-on-one attention she sorely needs.

5) Betty. This name is just full of bad connotations: Ugly Betty, the Betty Ford Clinic, Betty Crocker. But Betty White and her Golden Girls awesomeness is almost enough to make this name cool again.

Weekend Recap

2007-05-14T13:59:00.000-04:00

Smoking on screen will now affect movies' MPAA ratings. Disney has to recast their latest sequel: Snow White and the 8 Dwarfs: Chain Smokey's Adventure.

Sheryl Crow adopts baby boy. In a move to help save the environment, she is going to reuse one pair of diapers for his entire first year.

Bob Barker is leaving the Price is Right. After 50 years, the 83 year-old will finally retire. Dogs and cats everywhere are planning a watching party, as his 50 years of telling audiences to "spay and neuter your pets" has led to a "Lost Generation" of the domesticated animals.

US forces to block YouTube, MySpace on DoD network. They're worried about possible security issues and bandwidth drag, but I'm worried about who is going to replace the popular YouTube series: LonelyFallujahGirl15.

Nudist camps reach out to the young. Apparently the average age at a nudist camp is about 50, with only 10 percent under the age of 35. That's a tough sell, if we wanted to see that many naked old people we'd just rent Cocoon.

In Case You Missed It...

2007-05-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it...

If you read this blog yesterday, you'll remember my bemoaning of scientists ruining seemingly great things. Well, today a plucky Michigan high school student has discovered that iPods mess with pacemakers. Through research of mine, I've found that this effect is increased when listening to Nickelback (the pacemaker gets bored to death).

Scientific projections have indicated that by the 2080's, the average temperature could increase by 10 degrees in American cities. Bad News: Potential to really mess with the ecosystem. Good News: I'll probably be dead by then (and if I'm still alive, I'll be 100, and old people love warm weather). Best News: my future summer home in Holland, Michigan is looking better and better by the day (all you folks moving to Florida and Arizona are going to regret it, mark my words.)

Joost.com has launched. Rumour has it that there is a channel devoted entirely to showing Transformers episodes. The only problem is that you have to be invited by a friend to join it. So if anyone sends me an invite (mcfors@gmail.com), I will send you an autographed copy of my latest book.

Divorce rates are at their lowest since the 70's. I actually think this is good news (I'm not that much of a contrarian.) And it proves that I agree with Catholics on at least one thing.

LaKisha sent packing on ‘American Idol’. Another reason for me to hate that asininely popular show. The city of Flint has been through a lot, and that 27 year-old single mother competing was about the only thing going for it (I guess there is that upcoming Will Ferrell movie, too.)

Fat Kids

2007-05-10T14:15:00.000-04:00

A simple Google News search with the phrase "childhood obesity" will yield over 2,000 articles in the past month. Maybe I'm being naive (since I've never raised a child. Yet. Watch out, America), but I feel like of all our problems, this is the easiest to solve. Let's look at energy independence: we are a long ways away from that. Global warming? If we did everything right from here on out we'd still feel the effects 100 years from now. Rising social security and Medicare costs? No one really knows how to fix either. And I haven't even mentioned Iraq yet, probably the most difficult problem of all.

And yet, we're letting our kids get too fat? C'mon, America. They're just kids. We control them. Without us, they have no money, they have no food, they have nothing. It's not like they're sneaking out late at night, and hunting boar for extra meals. They're getting fat because we're giving them too much unhealthy food, and letting them sit in front of the television for too long. Somerville, Mass is trying to change that (subscription req'd), and for the life of me, I can't figure out why other communities haven't picked up the slack.

Kids are eating junk food at school. I have a solution: take the junk food out of the schools. Is that hard to do? If it's too hard, give me 20 bucks, and I'll get a couple of friends and we'll carry the damn vending machine out ourselves. Problem solved! But, Mike, you may say, what about the fast food restaurants? If we only give them healthy food options while they're in school, they'll just pig out at Mickey D's when they get home. Well, if you don't live within biking distance of a fast food restaurant, or you keep your kid poor (which I recommend), then how are they going to get there and be able to pay for food? They'll need adults. See, we hold all the cards. Why don't we treat fast food restaurants like cigarettes or alcohol or R-rated movies? No entry without an adult? Let's say you're the parent of a 12 year-old. He's a little chubby and could lose a couple of pounds, but is overall a good kid. What do you think will do more damage to him in the long run: if he acquires a taste for Whoppers with cheese, or if acquires a taste for R-rated Frat Pack comedies like the Wedding Crashers and Old School? I'd rather him laugh at an Owen Wilson joke he's not quite old enough to understand then have him get addicted to high-fat artery-killers like fast food hamburgers. And yet, he can walk into any McDonald's, or Sonic, or Burger King he wants without parental supervision and purchase anything on the menu. But he needs an adult to see The Big Lebowski? What's really causing more harm here? And unless you're the Puritan-type who calls the FCC when a boob slips out on your TV, I think you'll agree with me.

In Case You Missed It...

2007-05-10T13:03:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it...

Oral sex could be more dangerous than cigars
This is the kind of research that I think we can do without. Are there any pleasures in this world that do not come with some sort of caveat, some sort of "increases your chances of death" warning?

Dearborn cop who baked confiscated marijuana into brownies to avoid charges
He was eating the "special brownies" with his wife when he feared he had overdosed and told an emergency dispatcher: "I think we're dying. We made brownies and I think we're dead, I really do." What an idiot. First of all, if you steal weed and put it in some brownies, don't call the authorities. Second of all, I don't think anyone in the history of the world has died from pot brownies.

Racy Chicago billboard taken down
A law firm was pressured into taking the billboard down because the phrase "Life is short. Get a divorce." was too racy for the Windy City residents. I have a couple of ideas of replacements for the firm:
"Life is expensive. Go to law school."
"Life is too fair. We'll sue anyone."
"Life is too easy. Be a Lions fan."

Steve McNair arrested for DUI
The Baltimore Ravens QB wasn't actually driving the car! It was his car, and his friend was driving it while drunk, and he gets arrested for it? Doesn't getting a DUI require being the one who is D-ing (driving)? They should really have a separate OUI (owning under the influence) charge for him.

Al Sharpton Giveth, Al Sharpton Taketh Away

2007-05-09T22:13:00.000-04:00

As quickly as every racist white guy goes to Al Sharpton to apologize to all black people (because as you may or may not know, an apology to Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson is worth 36 million apologies), we tend to forget that Al says some stupid things. And he said some interesting things in a debate with Christopher Hitchens over the existence of God. Those two men were going to decide right then and there if there is a higher power in this world. Las Vegas had set the over/under at .8 Gods (presumably because it's harder to prove something non-existence than existence). God wasn't looking too good after he committed a false start penalty, but eventually won in overtime when Hitchens missed a dunk at the buzzer (white men can't jump, remember?)

But back to Sharpton's comments. He said that "those of us who believe in God" will defeat Romney before he can make it to the White House, implying that Romney himself does not believe in God. I'm glad all the God believers have all gotten together and decided to take out Romney (this is the first I've heard of it: I guess my admission of being an agnostic has removed me from their email lists?)

And I'm also glad that a white Republican is now calling a Civil Rights leader a bigot. We've really come a long way as a country when African-Americans have enough power to be called bigots, too. Frankly, it brought a tear to my eye. As you may know, I'm for diversity in every segment of society: I want to live in a community with black hockey players, black C.E.O.'s, and black bigots, too. It does wonders for my White Guilt...our patent on bigotry has finally ran out. We've been monopolizing racism, indigenous exploitation and un-rhythmic dancing for the past 5 centuries, but Al Sharpton is doing his part to expand African-Americans roles in that area. Bravo, sir.

I'm Still Alive? OK, I'll Sue You

2007-05-08T10:10:00.000-04:00

My favorite news story of the day: A man in London is suing his doctors because they told him he was going to die soon, and then he didn't. He blew all his savings to live in style for the rest of his life.

"My life has been turned upside down by this," he said. "I was told I had limited time to live. I got rid of everything."

Our deepest sympathy to you, sir. It really is quite a shame you didn't die when your doctors told you to. Wouldn't a normal reaction to the news "you are actually not going to die" be something along the lines of "thank God, what a blessing," not "I need to sue someone?" I guess someone has to pay for his spending spree and it certainly not be the person who was given a second chance at life.

Personal anecdote of the day: after my kickball game I was playing flip cup at a bar, and I noticed one of the girls who I didn't know had filled her cup with way more beer than anyone else, ready to drink like a champion. So I asked her what school she went to: she responded with "Michigan State." I love how I can move all the way to Washington, D.C. and still run into Sparties showing their true colors.

Roger Clemens you bastard

2007-05-07T14:37:00.000-04:00

It's officially May, folks. And how do I know that it's May? Because Roger Clemens has come out of retirement. This time with the Yankees. I don't know how he worked it out, but he did it again. Let me give you a rundown of how Roger Clemens has been spending his past two years:

October: Finishes pitching, and tells everyone "I'm retiring."
November: Injects steroids
December: Tries the Atkins Diet
January: Quits the Atkins Diet
February: Hunting Season
March: Doesn't report to spring training like every other MLB player; runs Clemens family NCAA Tournament pool instead.
April: Still doesn't play baseball. Convinces as many owners as possible to use their private jets to woo him. Misses out on the team's April Fool's Day mayhem.
May: Picks a team to pitch for. Warms up by pitching in the minor leagues against teams with names like New Hampshire Fisher Cats
June-September: Joins major league team, earning 4.5 million dollars a month, or roughly 1 million dollars for every day he pitches
October: Promptly announces "retirement." Collects 6th retirement watch.

So basically, Clemens only has to work from June to September each year, and pulls in about 18 million dollars. In other words, he takes more vacations than George W. Bush.

In Case You Missed It...

2007-05-04T16:06:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it...

In really sad news, new evidence has been found in regard to the car crash death of Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock. He had twice the legal limit of alcohol in his bloodstream, they found marijuana in his car, he was talking on his cell phone at the time of the accident and he wasn't wearing a seat belt. Sorry Josh, if you're going to be that stupid, I'm not going to reserve any sympathy for you.

My fellow European Americans, be warned: scientists have discovered that at least 1 in 5 white folks have a genetic mutation that doubles our risk for heart attacks. This, combined with my frequent sun burns, un-rhythmic dancing and Affirmative Action really demonstrate how hard it is to be white. I swear.

Secret Service Guards Obama. Barack Obama is already getting Secret Service protection. Let me address my fellow white Americans again for a second. Don't be fools. You had a good time shooting MLK, Malcolm X and the best of the Kennedy's (couldn't you have shot Teddy instead?), but can you let this one live? Please?

The Queen of England visits Jamestown. And think, you guys used to own all of this. If you had just let us drink our tea without taxing the hell out of it, maybe we'd still be part of the British Empire, still drive on the left side of the road, and speak English. No take-backs.

A New York state assemblyman slept on the floor of a 21 year-old female intern. His excuse: he (age 35) said he was walking her home (age 21) from a sports bar and he was too drunk to drive home so he just crashed at her apartment. Great excuse. Nothing inappropriate happened, I swear, we just got really drunk together and I spent the night.

Happy Cinco de Mayo Eve!! Check out these tips from Yahoo to make it a very special one. My Cinco de Mayo Resolution this year is to learn how to plug the top of a Corona bottle to properly insert the lime. I always end up spilling a bunch of it when I tip it over, or worse, when I remove my thumb a highly concentrated stream of cerveza flies across the restaurant and hits someone else (shot out to Kathleen, who has witnessed this).

Pennies Part 2

2007-05-04T09:25:00.000-04:00

In one of my very first posts on this blog, way back in July of last year, I ranted about how much I hate the penny, and wish it to be taken out of circulation. To update everyone, since that blog entry... nothing has changed. I am still stuck with those worthless coins every time I order a 22 oz. Slurpee at 7-11. But I haven't given up the fight to kill the penny. I was recently reminded of it by this news story: a man in New York tried to pay for some fried chicken with 10 pennies, and a restaurant denied him:

Mr. Jones placed his money on the counter: two $1 bills, two quarters, one dime, one nickel — and 10 pennies. “The lady behind the counter started yelling, ‘No pennies, no pennies,’ ” Mr. Jones said. The woman told him she would take 3 or 4 pennies, he said, but not 10.

So let me get this straight: The Great Wall Chinese Restaurant will accept 3 or 4 pennies, but not 10? What kind of lunacy is this? Is there a penny quota on what they can accept?

But for once, I'm not sure what to think about this. Are her actions supporting or hurting the cause? On the one hand, she is raising awareness about how much we all hate the penny by refusing to accept them. But on the other hand, she is preventing a red-blooded American from realizing the American Dream: getting rid of all our pennies at once. I wanted to be really angry at the Chinese Restaurant, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I mean, if I owned a restaurant and someone tried to unload all those pennies on me, I would recoil and probably act the same way. This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode "The Calzone", in which Kramer dumps a whole pocketful of change to try to buy a calzone, but the Italian cashier refuses to accept it. Kramer's response is to scream gibberish that sounds like Italian and march out of the restaurant.

So what's the next step? Congress is sitting on their hands, doing nothing, while us Americans fight it out with small businesses. So we need to keep the pressure on, doing wildly ridiculous stunts to call to attention the lunacy of keeping that coin in circulation. My favorite stunt so far comes from Kenneth Frock of Littlestown, PA. He got upset about his water bill costing 255 dollars, and instead of reacting rationally, he decided to haul in 5 huge sacks totaling 169 pounds (only about 10 pounds lighter than my entire body) as an act of protest. Well done, Kenneth! To update the Ben Franklin quote "A penny saved is...not even worth 1/300th of a gallon of gas so don't bother saving them."

In Case You Missed It...

2007-05-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

In Case You Missed It...

Old People Can't Drive:
The USA Today reports today that really old people are more likely to get into car accidents. If you're over 85 and you're reading this, please don't get in a car. Your slow driving and poor vision are an impediment to the rest of society, who all secretly wish you weren't on the road anymore. And which one of your grandkids showed you how to use the internet?

Feisty dog dies after saving five children from marauding pit bulls
Pit bulls were set to attack a group of very small children, but a spunky little terrier (see pic above) jumped in and saved them, losing his life in the process. I don't have anything sarcastic to add, but I am posthumously awarding "George" the Premarital Sax Medal of Honor for Valor In the Face of Attacking Animals (the PMSMHVFAA)

Woman brandishes snakes to protect herself
A woman in Pennsylvania tried to protect herself from the police, so she brandished 5 snakes and waved them around like a weapon. As hilariously pathetic as "Cat Ladies" are, I think "Snake Ladies" are just plain frightening.

New Jersey Governor pays seat belt fine after accident
Jon Corzine recently got in a car accident (ironically enough on the way to meet w/ Don Imus and the Rutgers women's basketball team), while not wearing a seat belt. He's now paying a $46 fine for the offense. Why bother to pay it? Isn't one of the perks of being governor that you can get out of fines like these? I mean, he probably signed the law that mandated seat belt use, couldn't he have written in an exception for governors? Very short-sighted.

NBA refs are racist
An academic study has discovered that white refs are more likely to call fouls on black players. I'm still waiting on the study to explain how white NBA "star" Brian Scalabrine is worth 15 million dollars.

R.I.P. N Word

2007-05-02T09:26:00.000-04:00

There has been a death this week. No, not Iraqi al Qaida leader Abu Ayyub al-Masri. The N- word has apparently died.

The NAACP will hold a symbolic funeral for the "n-word" at the organization's annual convention in July as a part of its national Stop Campaign to end the prevalence of racist and sexist language, images and concepts in the media.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to pay my respects. But I'm not sure to act. It's not like Hallmark prints out cards for grieving families of racial slurs. What do you bring to the funeral of the n word? Are flowers appropriate? Should I wear all black, or would that be sending a racist message? Surely wearing all white (especially if the ensemble is furnished with a pointy cap) would be insensitive, but I'm not sure what proper attire would be.

The irony of the whole affair is that I'm guessing the funeral will be attended mostly by civil rights leaders and minorities who are happy to see the word disappear. But funerals are about grief and mourning. So wouldn't it be fun if they sent invitations to people who would legitimately mourn the n-word's passing? Like the rapper who needs to find a new word to rhyme with "bigger," or the cranky old white man who will now need a new way to express his old fashioned prejudices. Oh, and the entire state of Mississippi.

But the biggest mystery to me is, what exactly killed the n-word? The NAACP hasn't made any announcements, and the toxicology reports haven't come back yet, so we are left to postulate ourselves. Will the autopsy reveal it to be natural causes, or is there a murderer on the loose? As always, I have a few theories:

Al Sharpton forced Don Imus to kill it
Drive-by shooting victim
Global Warming melted it
Lee Harvey Oswald shot it (he was NOT acting alone)

In Case You Missed It...

2007-04-30T14:53:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it...

West Virginia fat kids are playing Dance Dance Revolution to lose weight
In additional moves to cut costs, the West Virginia schools are eliminating music classes and purchasing Guitar Hero, and replacing their tennis courts with Wii Tennis.

Kim Basinger has hired a bodyguard to protect her daughter from Alec Baldwin
Why stop at one bodyguard? Who's going to protect her from Daniel, Billy and Stephen?

Courtney Love to sell most of Kurt's belongings
She didn't make enough money off the boxsets and the royalties and everything else, apparently. Our generation's Yoko didn't just break up the Beatles: she shot the lead singer.

Newspaper circulation continues to fall
Oh, boo-hoo. Meanwhile, Pre-marital sax circulation continues to increase. Not to toot our own horn or anything (Pardon the pun. A saxophone is a horn, right?)

Beam me up Scotty: Star Trek actor's ashes sent into space
They're also throwing Mark Spitz's ashes into the water, putting Gene Wilder's (Willy Wonka) ashes into a chocolate bar, and spreading Bill Buckner's ashes along the first base line at Fenway Park.

Chrysler to make hybrids with Hemis
"Hey, that thing got a hemi?"
"Yeah, a hemi and a hybrid."
"Dude, you can maintain your manhood and pick up enviro chicks with the same car. Awesome!"

L.A. most polluted city in America
In other shocking news, Buffalo has the most snow, Seattle has the most rain, and Texas has the most executions.

Panda Pornography

2007-04-30T11:41:00.000-04:00

A Thailand zoo is using panda pornography to stimulate the mating rituals of their pandas.

Prasertsak has prepared a DVD of pandas having sexual intercourse to show the couple, hoping the demonstration -- call it panda porn -- will inspire them to make a love connection.

I know people think they're cute and all, but pandas are pretty worthless animals overall. What kind of living organism can't have sex with each other? Should we really be playing God (or more accurately, Larry Flynt) and preventing their extinction by compiling pornographic material for them? The United States pays 2 million dollars a year to China to lease out pandas, and they're only at like 5 zoos. And it's not like pandas are becoming extinct because of global warming or humans killing them for their ivory tusks. No, they're becoming extinct because they are too prude to procreate.

I think I know what their problem is. Their standards are too high. I bet each panda is holding out for that really hot panda. The panda with a really shiny coat of fur that manages to look majestic and cute while nibbling on bamboo. The panda that picks up the check when you forget your wallet and doesn't complain about it.

But the more I think about it, the more I sympathize with these frigid creatures. There are only about 3,000 pandas living on Earth, and 180 in captivity in China. If you're one of those pandas and you live in China, you have very limited options. Assuming a 50/50 gender mix, in the entire country of China you have 90 lady panda options. That's lower than most high schools. And in a country of over a billion people, can you blame them for having trouble finding a warm body to spoon at night?

But let's not spread blame here. We should focus on results. And is the Thailand zoo doing the right thing by showing pornography? I would argue that porn is a detriment to sexual activity. Think about it, with pornography they only use the most well-endowed and talented practitioners of the craft. If you had never had sex, and only watched pornography, chances are you'll be vastly disappointed with the real thing. And even worse, you may be giving them a release for their sexual urges that doesn't result in a cute panda baby. I don't have any first hand knowledge about panda masturbation, but I'm guessing these sexless creatures are doing it a lot to survive such a prudish life.

So what should the zookeepers do? They should do what any frat guy does when he wants to lower someone's standards and create a sexual situation that won't exist otherwise: alcohol. I'm proposing that the Thai zookeepers dim the lights low and get the pandas hammered. Their may be some regret the next morning, but as long as you keep the morning after pill away from the lady panda, your job is done.

Follow-Ups

2007-04-28T16:23:00.001-04:00

For those of you who are regular readers of this site, I have a number of follow-ups:

Less than a week after I mocked the murderer on Death Row who promised to work his magic on the Browns, the Browns end up with both Joe Thomas and Brady Quinn, two prospects projected as top 5 picks. Maybe deceased felons have more power than we all thought?

Joe Francis, the man behind the critically acclaimed "Girls Gone Wild" documentaries has been sentenced to 35 days in jail. I really hope he doesn't make any more of those films from jail. I don't want to see "Guys Gone Wild: Dropped Soap Edition."

Sheryl Crow has stated emphatically that she "was just kidding" about the whole toilet paper limit thing.

I didn't mention this when it happened, but I'm calling on a boycott of the website deadspin.com. I also call on you all to no longer use the phrase " dead to me," but instead substitute deadspin.com in there. For example say "Melinda is deadspin.com to me." And what's the reason for this boycott? Plagiarism. Here is an excerpt from his blog that was passed off as "original:"

Personally, we wish they could have sneaked a "Clarett" in there... we would like to see a Lions fans name their girl "Millen Mornhinweg."

Funny, right? Too bad both of those jokes were stolen from me. The title of my post had Clarett in it, and I said I was going to name my kid Morhningweg Fontes. And nowhere is there a link or an acknowledgment of my entry. And his post was put up 10 minutes after mine.

(If you don't believe me, first check out my post, and then read Will Leitch's plagiarized one. Will Leitch, you are so deadspin.com to me

In Case You Missed It...

2007-04-26T11:34:00.000-04:00

I'm going to try something new today that might become a permanent fixture on this site: In Case You Missed It...

Ford Posts Narrower Loss Than Year-Ago
A failing auto company spins a $280 million loss in one quarter as good news. I'm sorry, but if I own a company that loses the GDP of a small country, aren't I a little concerned?

Text messages harm written language?
According to a report by the Irish State Examination Commission texting has caused us to be "unduly reliant on short sentences, simple tenses and a limited vocabulary". No word yet on what effects reading this blog will have. (My guess: also simple tenses and a limited vocabulary)

Democrats prepare for 2008 campaign's first debate
Democrats are going to debate for the first time tonight, about 19 months until the general election. Al-Queda is throwing viewing parties over in the Middle East, with their guns handy, ready to be emboldened by whichever Democrat admits defeat in Iraq.

Indian court issues warrant for Gere
The court was quoted as saying Gere "transgressed all limits of vulgarity." Apparently Jackass Number 2 hasn't been shipped to India yet.

Idol Disappoints
After promising a super cool episode and setting records for most votes, American Idol doesn't even kick anyone out. 70 million people just wasted 10 cents.

Stephen Hawking set to fly weightless
Astrophysicist and consistent butt of many jokes Stephen Hawking is going to go for a plane ride to simulate living in a no-gravity zone. If only he could find a plane ride that will allow him to talk like a normal person.

7 surrender in Miss America's sex sting
Miss America let police officers use teenage pictures of herself to catch a bunch of skeezy predators yesterday afternoon. This is reportedly the first instance of a teenage beauty queen diminishing rather than contributing to the number of perves on the web.

NFL Draft set to begin on Saturday
Everyone and their brother is speculating on who is picking whom in the NFL Draft. Let me save you all 36 hours of TV time: the Raiders, Lions and Browns will draft a "savior" that won't last three years, the Patriots will dig up some diamonds in the rough on the second day and Chris Berman will invent 14 words that previously did not exist.

Browns Fan Promises Magic From the Grave

2007-04-25T14:14:00.000-04:00

For those of you out there who consider Lions fans crazy, I direct you to this Cleveland Brown fan, just minutes before he was executed:

"When you see the Browns in the Super Bowl in the next five years, you know I'm up there doing my magic."

While I applaud your loyalty, James Filiaggi, I severely doubt how much "magic" you can work. If you had any magic in the first place you wouldn't have killed your wife and gotten caught doing it. And I may not be a very religious man, but I don't think God is going to let you tinker with the results of an NFL season. He only lets people who aren't convicted murderers do things like that.

But this incident got me thinking. If I was about to be executed, what could I say to support my team? Would I waste my last precious breaths on a sad-sack franchise that has brought me nothing but pain and disappointment? I think if I were about to kick the bucket I would say one of these:

"Restore the Roar. I can't remember the last time anyone actually heard it, but it needs to be restored."

"Abandon ship, abandon ship, womp womp womp womp womp!"

"Watch out, Rodney Peete, a defensive end just blew past Lomas Brown"

"The bar is high. I'm setting the bar high for what I expect from the rest of my life."

"For the last 40 years, the Ford Family has methodically and meticulously contributed to the decline of a once great franchise and a once great city. Their stubborn and ineffective management style has led to the near-bankruptcy of one of the largest auto companies in the world, at the same time they have owned a team that owns one of the longest, most pathetic streaks of futility ever seen by a major sports franchise. In short, the prompt dissolution of this once proud family from the assets of major Detroit businesses would contribute much to its Renaissance. Oh, and Fire Millen!"

NFL Mock Mock Draft- Detroit Lions Style

2007-04-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

I could join the hordes of amateurs on the web right now who are all coming up with their own mock drafts. But I know my limitations: I make cheap jokes and cut corners instead of acting like some sort of "analyst" or "expert." So, instead of listing who is going to draft whom with the top 10 picks, I'm going to engage in a thought experiment: what would happen to each of these players if they were to be drafted by the Lions?

Calvin Johnson
Calvin would begin his downward spiral by smoking pot with Charles Rogers, and progress to harder drugs, until he loses all his productivity. He's making too much money to be just released, so the Ford's cleverly shift him from starting wide receiver to plant manager at a River Rouge Ford Plant. He's also going to break his collarbone and gain 30 pounds

JaMarcus Russell
Much has been made about how he can throw the ball 50 yards in the air from his knees. After being drafted by the Lions, Russell is pounded so hard by defensive lineman that he just gives up and takes shotgun snaps 10 yards back already on his knees.

Brady Quinn
Quinn would start playing the piano, eat strawberries and chocolate instead of meat and potatoes, and generally lose his manhood.

Adrian Peterson
Adrian will have one spectacular season, then fax a retirement note to a local Wichita paper to announce he is retiring to spend more time with his family.

Joe Thomas
He has surprised many by announcing that he will be fishing in Wisconsin instead of flying to NYC to attend the draft. After being informed by the NFL Network camera crew that he has been drafted by the Lions, Thomas will drown himself.

Amobi Okoye
Okoye has been the feel-good story of the draft due to his status as a Nigerian immigrant who managed to graduate from Louisville at the age of 19 with a degree in psychology. After being told he has to go to Detroit, he will decide that there aren't any jobs in Michigan with just a bachelor's degree and enrolls in Wayne State Medical School full-time.

Sanjaya Malakar
Matt Millen will become confused late in the second day of the draft after consuming too much Adderrall and RBV's (Red Bull w/ Vodkas) and draft this 17 year-old Federal Way, WA resident. When later asked why he picked a fruity teenager that weighs about 120 pounds instead of an actual prospect, Millen will say "I thought I was texting American Idol, but I accidentally sent it to Roger Goodell." Ford will reward him with a 4 year extension to his contract.

Kryptonite Discovered!

2007-04-24T16:09:00.000-04:00

Millions of geeks all over the world are sexually excited today. It turns out that Kryptonite is real:

A new mineral matching its unique chemistry - as described in the film Superman Returns - has been identified in a mine in Serbia.

Oh, so the Serbians had Kryptonite all along? This has led to a number of conclusions:

1) Serbia has now passed Montenegro on the coolness factor.

2) Serbia has also joined the Axis of Evil, as Kryptonite is officially classified as a Weapon of Mass Destruction

3) Exploratory teams have now been dispatched in search of Adamantium, Midi-cholorians, Flux Capacitors, and Alf

4) Clark Kent has canceled his vacation to sunny Belgrade

I Don't Have a Square to Spare. I Can't Spare a Square

2007-04-23T21:22:00.000-04:00

I wasn't going to write about this, because of the sensitive nature of the subject matter. But then I remember this is just a blog, and I don't have any standards of decency. What I'm talking about is the brilliant plan by rocker/environmentalist/person who knows better than you how to live your life Sheryl Crow to limit people to one toilet paper square per use:

Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required? I don't know what a millionaire like Crow eats, but those "pesky occasions" usually require more than 2 to 3. She apparently hasn't sampled the new Taco Bell 7 Layer Crunchwrap. Maybe if her 3 square limit were to be passed, astute lawmakers could write in exceptions for establishments like Taco Bell.

But, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'm not supporting her on this one. I'm with the environmentalists on most things: I ride a bike to work, I try to recycle, I steal moist towelettes from restaurants instead of buying napkins. But this is going too far. Didn't we win the Cold War so we wouldn't be waiting in long lines to get toilet paper? Isn't the whole point of modern technology to make the bathroom experience better? The reason I put up with the pollution and the high gun deaths of this country is so that I'm not in rural Haiti looking for the softest leaf that won't cause irritation.

In fact, I think, if anything, we should be more wasteful in the bathroom. How about toilets that use 10 gallons of water per flush? How about bidets they shoot Purell? Because sanitary excretion and proper clean-up is what separates us from the animals. Because if I had to wake around with a dirty nether region, I would know that I'm not any better than the monkeys I see delightedly throwing feces at each other in the zoo. And then who are we going to test our cosmetics on? You try putting mascara on a rat.

Dead Leaves and the Empty Home

2007-04-23T12:05:00.001-04:00

More bad news for the state of Michigan today. No, Ford hasn't slashed more jobs or closed any more factories (well maybe they have, but I can't riff on depressing news like that.) Rather, resident Detroit rocker Jack White of the White Stripes has sold his Detroit home, for about half the asking price.

I could handle it when Madonna moved to New York, discarded her Italian-Catholic heritage to inexplicably become a British Jew. I could handle it when mayor Kwame Kilpatrick spent hundreds of thousands of the city's dollars at a P. Diddy party. I could handle it when Ben Wallace (and the entire MSU and U of M's 2006 graduation classes) moved to Chicago. And I even could handle it when Kid Rock thoroughly shamed the creative class of Michigan with his lackluster songwriting (my favorite line would be his attempt to rhyme "Yzerman" with "drink about 15 Heinkein's.")

But losing Jack White? While the Detroit music scene has been characterized of late by white rappers with questionable talent, the White Stripes accomplished a rare feat: they brought pride to the city of Detroit.

Along with selling millions of albums, and headlining largely successful world tours, they also managed to foster widespread, near-universal critical acclaim. The only controversy I can remember is when Jack became enraged and utterly disfigured the face of a member of the Von Bondies (warning: click that link at your own risk), which I would argue actually did the city good. This is, after all the city that greets its visitors with a giant bronze fist.

New U.S. Champion

2007-04-22T22:55:00.000-04:00

There has been a new U.S Champion crowned, and it's a 13 year-old girl. What event could possibly lead to a 13 year old girl winning a championship? The Most Annoying Myspace Profile Championship? Longest time waiting in line for the next Harry Potter book? Or maybe for the most creative and frequent user of the word "like?" Nope, it was a text-messaging competition:

In the end, 13-year-old Morgan Pozgar faced off against Michael "Cheeser" Nguyen in the east coast final...Pozgar said she trained by sending on average 8,000 text messages a month to her friends.

First of all is anyone surprised that someone with a nickname like "Cheeser" has the time to get really good at sending text messages? Do you think the "sport" of text-messaging, in its nascent stages, is like Major League Baseball in the 1920's, where everyone has cool nicknames, like Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd and Fred "Bonehead" Merkle?

And second of all, how does one possibly have 8,000 different messages in a month for her friends? That's an average of one new message every five and a half minutes (even while she's asleep-but who knows, maybe she even texts then.) 360 each day. What exactly is the composition of those 360 daily entrants into the national discourse? Due to some pre-marital sleuthing, I've come across some of the texts that the 13 year-old sent:

To Mrs. Cunningham: whats ur opinion on the alternative minimum tax? i think its an outdated tax that puts 2 much of a burden on a burgeoning upper middleclass and does not account for the latest inflationary growth exhibited by our nation st8. imo.

To Suzie: i just renewd mi libary card. did u want me 2 get u Ulysses or Finnegans Wake? i cant rememember which joyce u wanted lmao

To Brittney: im comin over w/ the cheez pl8. u bring the pinot noir.

To Mom: hows your IRA doin? lol u should get a Roth.

To Billy: Bush should like totally fire alberto. his actions were unethical in the recent firings of 8 us attorneys. im worried hes goin 2 use a recess appointment 2 circumnavigate the senate's oversight over the executive branch assuming the upper chamber has enough senators 4 quorum and does not institute a cloture vote. btw ill see you at recess sk8er boi :)

Reverse Curse

2007-04-18T21:25:00.000-04:00

Much has been made about the Madden cover jinx. Stories have been widely circulating over the Internet the past few days about curses over the past 8 years. As a Lions fan, I have the luxury of not having to worry about that. There is no additional curse that can be piled on the Lions: it would be like kicking a paraplegic in the shin. But curses work both ways, and the Lions have actually spread theirs to everything they touch:

Enron Magazine: in early 2001 QB Charlie Batch appears on their "Entrepreneurial Athletes in Action" Edition, touting Enron's fiscal restraint and strong commitment to ethics.

1999: Wired Magazine. WR Herman Moore advises in an "Ask the Athletes" section that "tech stocks are a sure thing, put all your money in there."

1994: OT Lomas Brown whispers in Nancy Kerrigan's ear that "ain't nobody going to bring you down, baby. No need to waste your money on bodyguards."

May 18, 1972: CB Lem Barney is seen shaking hands with Richard Nixon on the cover of Time Magazine under the headline: "Nixon Opts For More Transparent Governance."

February 21, 1963: RB/WR Hopalong Cassady appears in a campaign photo with John F. Kennedy. Cassady tells JFK that "Dallas is a nice town, you should make a visit there sometime."

January 18, 1912: Lions RB George "Red" McGraw appears on the cover of Safe Boating Monthly on the deck of the Titanic.

March 1, 44 B.C.: Julius Caesar takes a lion under his care, forsaking any other bodyguards, specifically his "stab-prevention specialists."

Happy Birthday Suri!

2007-04-18T10:43:00.000-04:00

Just in case you hadn't marked your calendar, I wanted to alert you all that it is Suri Cruise's birthday today. The little tyke just turned one year old, what a miracle! I have composed a gift list for her, so if you wanted to buy her something, but didn't know what, you've come to the right place.

A copy of Diantetics by L. Ron Hubbard: we all know there's no possible way that Suri is going to grow up to be a well-adjusted, normal person. We mine as well get the crazy train rolling at a young age.

A couch: when she's 16 and falls in love for the first time, she's going to need to jump on something. Try this sensible Klippan sofa from IKEA with fiberboard frame. It contains a polyurethane foam seat that is extremely resilient to strain from love-struck teenagers.

A copy of Risky Business: If she only sees movies her daddy is in over the last couple of years, she's going to wonder what all the fuss was about. Minority Report? Magnolia? Eyes Wide Shut? Remind her why her Dad was once cool with this 1983 classic co-starring Rebecca De Mornay.

Similarly, the complete Dawson's Creek would also be a great choice for young Suri. She might want to know what her mom was like before she was brainwashed by Scientology, and these tales of a precocious tomboy unaware of her beauty in Capeside, Massachusetts will surely bring a smile to Suri's face.

The Safety Girl Roadside Emergency Kit: Included in the kit is "a Space Brand Emergency Blanket, Safety Matches, 5 Bandages, 2 Antiseptic Wipes, Instructions to Change a Flat Tire, Instructions to Jump Start a Dead Battery, Safety Girl Pencil, and Safety Girl Lip Moisturizer."
Not only will this kit allow her to still look her best after a traffic accident (doesn't everyone in Hollywood get a DUI at some point?) but it will teach her some important life skills that she might not learn from "the help."

High heels: If she has her Dad's DNA, she'll probably reach her maximum height at about 4'5, so I recommend the 5" Classic Closed Toe Pump, which "reinvents classic glamour, revamps fetish pleasure, and redefines evening elegance." Maybe bartenders will be able to see her over the bar w/ this pair.

A copy of How to be Your Own Publicist: It's never too early to learn about how to market yourself, and her family has had some issues selecting publicists.

(Special thanks to "Hermano," who assisted in assembling this list)

A Thousand Small Steps for a Woman, One Giant Waste of Time for Mankind

2007-04-17T17:33:00.000-04:00

You may have seen this heartwarming little story over the weekend. Astronaut "Suni" Williams ran the Boston Marathon. Running 26 miles is normally no big deal (unless you're a normal person, in which case it's incredibly irrational). It's a huge story because she did it in space, on a treadmill:

Williams, a test pilot and commander in the U.S. Navy, who was officially registered for the race, will receive a finishing certificate and a medal, and her time will be recorded along with contestants who actually ran in the sometimes 50-mile-per-hour gusts of wind in Masachusetts. She will not, however, be considered an official finisher.

Now, you can call me cynical, but this seems incredibly stupid to me. You work your entire life, endure people laughing at you when you tell them you're going to be an astronaut and go to outer space, you actually go up in space, and then you spend 4 1/2 hours running on a treadmill? Aren't there more important things to do while you're up there? Sure, running on a treadmill is fine when you want to get some exercise on your lunch break at work, but c'mon, your "work" is orbiting the Earth. Wasn't there some important astronaut duties for her to attend to, like, collecting data and whatnot? Where's the libertarian outrage over wasting tax dollars? I, for one, would rather our astronauts actually do work while they're piloting multi-million dollar space craft. But that's just me.

Oh, and another thing: Why in the name of George O'Leary is the Boston Marathon recognizing her for this? Can I ride a stationary bike during the Tour de France and get credit for it? If I play Madden on PS2 during the Super Bowl with the Colts vs. Bears does that make me a "Super Bowl Participant?" Where does this end?

At least an astronaut is making news for something other than using diapers in an innovative way.

Pre-marital Mailbag 4-16

2007-04-16T10:12:00.001-04:00

A slow news day today, so I'll take a little dippy dip in the mailbag.

I'm addicted to facebook.com, and unfortunately I am friends with you. As such, every time you write one of these stupid blogs, it clutters my notes page and my news feed. I swear to god, if I see "M. Cooper Imported a Note" another time, I'm going to have to get drastic and de-friend you. If I wanted to read your uninteresting thoughts and rants I would just visit your site. Why do you have to do that?
-Disgruntled in Denver

We're sorry you feel that way. The short answer to your question is that I'm a whore for web hits. Did you know that every time you type http://premaritalsax.blogspot.com/ into your browser an angel gets its wings? And every time you click on one of the google ads on the site, an unhappy single person somewhere on Earth finds true love. So keep clicking, America!

It's almost Tax Day and I'm having a little trouble filing. Can the fine folks at Pre-marital Sax help me out?
-W-2 Worried in Walla Walla

Well, taxes really aren't our specialty, but to start off, enjoy a free burrito today. That's worth about 6 dollars. Sorry we couldn't be of any more help.

What's the deal with all the Lions posts? I thought this was a national publication? No one cares about that crappy team, let alone your wit-less attempts at comedy at the expense of said team. I want more Obama coverage! -Scrappy in Scranton, PA

While we do pride ourselves on being syndicated, the Lions are such a god-awful franchise that every fan in the NFL should enjoy reading it. If you are actually a Lions fan, you must inherently be a masochist, and will likely enjoy the potshots I take at the organization. If you are a fan of any of the other 31 teams, you can bask in the knowledge that your franchise is in better shape in every possibly way than at least one NFL team. And there are only so many jokes I can make about Barack's name before it starts to get old (five, apparently).

Do you have any movie recommendations? My cousin is coming into town this weekend, and I wanted to take her out on a date (don't worry, I think it's legal in my state).
-Incestuous in Independence, Missouri

I recently saw The Lives of Others, which was my enjoyable theater trip since I dressed up as a Jedi and saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I'm not going to spoil the ending or anything, but in one of the scenes the main character Hauptmann Gerd Wiesler (yes, it's a German film w/ subtitles) has sex with a German prostitute and asks her to stay longer. She refuses, because she has another appointment at 1:30. I love how Germans are so efficient and punctual that even the prostitutes are sticklers for being on time. What a country!

Shouldn't you be working right now? I've been looking at the time stamps, and all your blogs are posted during the workday. What's going on?
-My boss

Uh, I write them at home, and then I publish them during work. Yeah, I'm completely productive all 40 hours every week.

That's it for this edition, another set of great questions. Keep 'em coming!

Lions Schedule

2007-04-11T15:28:00.000-04:00

The NFL has announced its schedule for the 2007 season, and as a Lions fan, I get very excited to learn exactly where and to whom the losses will come each year. I've been an avid follower of the team since that tremendous 12-4 run in 1991, so I have a pretty good idea of how a typical season goes. (It's depressing that it hasn't gone well since I was 8).

• Sept. 9, at Oakland: The Calvin Johnson Bowl. These two teams duked it out last year to decide on who had the first pick, and the excitement continues with this game. After being traded from the Lions, Josh McCown will throw 4 interceptions to his old teammates, but he'll also catch two touchdowns as a WR in the second half. McCown 35, Lions 28

• Sept. 16, Minnesota: The ghost of Randy Moss will burn Fernando Bryant for three touchdowns. And the ghost of Bryant Westbrook will pass interfere. Vikings 31, Lions 21

• Sept. 23, at Philadelphia: Does Jeff Garcia still play for these guys? If so, he'll follow tradition, and torch his former team. If he's not, should-have-been Lion Kevin Curtis will do the honors. Eagles 27, Lions 26

• Sept. 30, Chicago: Rex Grossman will be re-inserted as the starting quarterback, after his replacement, Brian Griese goes back to Ann Arbor and trips over some more dogs (euphemism for getting drunk) The Lions will actually win 24-17

• Oct. 7, at Washington: I have not gotten over the 41-10 shellacking in the 1992 NFC championship game (or their logo). I have brought my sports curse to all the local sports teams since moving to D.C., so I predict another win for the Lions: 35-23

• Oct. 21, Tampa Bay: Oh wait, I think I heard that Garcia plays for these guys now. Him and like 15 other quarterbacks. Joe Barry will share all his secrets about the Tampa Bay defense, but it doesn't matter because Jon Kitna will still throw 3 INT's, and Kevin Jones will be injured for the rest of the season. Bucs 9, Lions 7

• Oct. 28, at Chicago: The Bears will continue their dominance of the "I-94 Rivalry,"as the Lions have been embarrassed at Soldier Field the last two years by a combined score of 72-13. Let's say 28-2 this time, to make it an even 100-15. Urlacher will recover a fumble on the 5 yard line, run backwards, and get tackled in the end zone by Dominic Raiola for the safety.

• Nov. 4, Denver: According to Dré Bly, Detroit is the "bottom of the barrel." I guess that's a little nicer than saying it's like Baghdad, but at this point he will have already ignited a quarterback controversy, installing Patrick Ramsey as the starter. Ramsey will hit David "Flying Circus" Kircus for a TD, causing the entire city of Allendale, Michigan to riot. Is it just me, or do the Lions have a revolving door policy about mediocre white wide receivers? Broncos win 31, 17.

• Nov. 11, at Arizona: The Cardinals are one of the few teams who can match the Lions' ineptitude. But it seems like we play the Cardinals every year, and the following things are a guarantee:

1. It's the only game the Lions will be favored in all year.

2. Fox will send its worst broadcasters to cover the game. No, I don't want to listen to Brian Baldinger and Curt Menefee.

3. The Lions should win it, but they'll blow it at the end. Cardinals 31, Lions 30.

• Nov. 18, New York Giants: Tiki Barber pulled a "Barry Sanders" on the Giants this year (although to do it right, he should have just written a letter to his local paper instead of actually telling the team that employed him). They seem like the kind of team the Lions can beat, mainly because of Eli Manning. Why do I get the feeling the Lions will sign him when he's 32, and he will be a complete bust? Lions 28, Giants 24

• Nov. 22, Green Bay: Ah, Thanksgiving. The one Lions game a year that people outside of Detroit will get to watch. And they're going to actually win it this year, because we own Brett Favre in Detroit. (as long as it's not in the playoffs) Lions 28, Packers 20

• Dec. 2, at Minnesota: I'm 98 percent sure this game is a loss. Charles Rogers will be attending this game as a fan, and while reaching for a hot dog, he'll break his collarbone. Vikings 27, Lions 13

• Dec. 9, Dallas: The Lions seem to beat the Cowboys a lot. The Lions will play badly, but Tony Romo will fumble enough to keep the Lions in it. Lions 35, Cowboys 30

• Dec. 16, at San Diego: The Chargers went 14-2 last season -- and fired Marty Schottenheimer. If any coach went 14-2 for the Lions, not only would he have more job security than Anthony Scalia, he would probably be elected the governor of Michigan. Ladanian Tomlinson will break a record by scoring a TD by rushing, receiving, passing, kick returning, and chariot riding, all in the same game. Chargers 48, Lions 7

• Dec. 23, Kansas City: Herman Edwards signs Johnnie Morton the day before the game, who catches the winning touchdown. If this game were played in Tecmo Super Bowl, we'd have Barry Sanders vs. Christian "The Nigerian Nightmare" Okoye. Unfortunately, it's not, and we have to settle for Tatum Bell vs. Larry Johnson. The Lions lose 38-35.

• Dec. 30, at Green Bay: The NFL conveniently schedules Brett Favre's last game in Green Bay against the Lions. Is this a conspiracy to make sure he wins his last game? And why have the Lions had to play at Lambeau in December in each of the past 4 seasons? Mike Martz punches Rod Marinelli in the face before the game, knocking him unconscious because of a dispute about how to properly utilize Casey Fitsimmons, prompting William Clay Ford to lure Wayne Fontes out of retirement to coach the game. However, he has become a blimp in Florida, and can't fit on the plane. Packers 17, Lions 10.

So there you have it. Don't bother watching any of the games this year, we already know they are going to finish a disappointing 5-11 (just like in '86, '92, '96, '98, 2003, and 2005).

Free Joe Francis!

2007-04-11T10:52:00.000-04:00

OK, guys, it's time to awake the sleeping giant. There are thousands of pre-marital sax readers out there, and if we all pool our resources together, we can finally make a difference in this world. And no, I'm not talking about saving Knut, or signing a petition against Don Imus. I'm talking about freeing Joe Francis.

And who is Joe Francis, exactly? According to CNN:

Francis, 34, makes an estimated $29 million a year from videos of young women baring their breasts and in other sexually provocative situations.

Well, when you put it that way, maybe he's not as good of a guy as I thought. It turns out that some of the girls who went wild did it when they were 17. And everyone knows, in this country, the legal age of going wild is 18. The legal age for "getting a little nuts" is 16, and you can't "get rowdy" until you're 14 years old.

CNN also noted, without irony that:

Francis initially refused to surrender and called [Judge] Smoak "a judge gone wild."

Apparently, in the Joe Francis dictionary (or the Gonewildionary, if you will) there are two definitions to "goin' wild:"

A young woman's decision to shed her clothes in front of an overweight, middle-aged cameraman on spring break in return for a cheap t-shirt, arousing young boys around the world.
The act of defying ridiculously wealthy smut peddlers in a courtroom, demanding them to abide by the law and limit their seminal films that reflect upon human nature to women with low self-esteem over the age of 18.

Or maybe it's just the only verb phrase he knows.

Tressel Hayes Oden Matta Clarett Huffines

2007-04-09T13:37:00.001-04:00

Just when I think Ohio State fans can't get any dumber, they go out and do this,

"Tressel Hayes Huffines — sounds as sweet as an OSU victory over Michigan....Can you imagine someone named Tressel Hayes going to Michigan for college?"

Some idiot from Columbus named their kid Tressel Hayes. The worst part is, the kid was already going to have to get past having a last name like "Huffines," and now his first name is Tressel, or "Tressy" for short. But he won't be alone. According to the article, since Sweatervest got hired at Columbus in 2003, there have been six Tressel babies, with the only surprise being that there aren't any more than that. There is so much to comment on this, I need to resort to bullet points:

Doesn't Ohio have any other role models they can name their kids after? Like Scooter McDougle?
What happens if the Buckeyes hire a football coach named Hitler in the future, do you think Buckeyes fans would be dumb enough to name their kids after him? Maybe they'll hire Kevin Pittsnogle to be their basketball coach someday?
I don't think Mr. Huffines shouldn't have been too worried about his son going to Michigan, anyone dumb enough to do this would have been rejected faster than Anthony Gonzalez trying to get a woman to go back to his oxygen tent.
Quick, somebody buy the domain name for www.firetresselhayeshuffines.com
I now have a name for my first born son: Morhningweg Fontes

Religious Holidays

2007-04-05T22:58:00.000-04:00

As I have said earlier, I don't align myself with any of the organized religions, and have been shopping around for one that has a good sales pitch. But I must admit that it is an awful week to be an agnostic. On Monday and Tuesday, there were no Jews in the office, and today there are no Christians. To me, it feels like Valentine's Day when you're single, St. Patrick's Day when you're going through AA or Columbus Day if you're a Native American (wait, every day sucks for them). Everybody is getting fat and happy on their Seders and their Cadbury eggs and their Kwanzaa muffins, and I'm stuck with nothing. Me and the Muslims are sitting this one out.

If you don't celebrate Easter or Passover, April is a really crappy month for holidays:

January: New Year's Day
February: Valentine's Day
March: March Madness/St. Patty's Day
April: Hitler's birthday?
May: Cinco de Mayo
June: Hey, summer's finally over in Michigan
July: Fourth of July
August: Lions preseason. Hey, the losses don't count!
September: I can put away all my white clothes (Labor Day)
October: My birthday, Halloween, Columbus Day (the holy trinity)
November: Thanksgiving
December: X-Mas (not religiously affiliated in my household)

See, every month has something cool for us agnostics but April. To rectify this in the future, I have a question for my readers. I'm looking to join a religion, with only one criterion to consider: how many days off work I can get in a year. Jewish Holidays seem to last a long time, but a lot of them fall on weekends. Christian holidays seem to be brief, but Easter would really brighten up my April. Any religions out there with more? The first person to make me a graph or a PowerPoint presentation listing the amount of sanctioned holidays for each religion will get an autographed copy of my latest book Wittgenstein on the Arbitrariness of Grammar.

Lost Puppy

2007-04-05T11:01:00.000-04:00

From CNN today we learn that a dog living in Kansas City was found in Montana four years after being lost. My favorite line from the story is this:

The family said he looks different and doesn't remember his name. His teeth show signs of wear and tear. Only Mickey knows how he wound up in Montana, and that's fine by Mitchell.

The family mentioned in this story has contacted me, enlisting the help of pre-marital sax to piece together the story of how little Mickey made it all the way to Montana in four years from Kansas City. Here's his amazing journey.

Disgruntled about the Royals' recent 62-100 record and Bush's pre-emptive invasion of Iraq, little Mickey had had enough. He hit the road, paws dancing on the asphalt, his nose following the scent of cheese North, eventually leading him to Madison, Wisconsin. Unfortunately, he made it to Madison on Halloween, and a drunk college girl named Amber used him to "totally complete [her] Paris Hilton costume!!" Amber then tossed her Louis Vutton bag (with poor Mickey in it) into the corner of a frat guy's room (precipitously landing in his suitcase) before hooking up with him. Mickey survived by nibbling on Chee-toh's and Ramen Noodle crumbs throughout the night while Amber embarrassed herself (and possibly even Paris, too) with drunken actions that cannot be printed here.

The next morning Amber was still a little drunk, and in a hurry to get her "Walk of Shame" over with, leading her to forget her bag (with Mickey in it). The man actually had a flight to Detroit the next morning for a job interview, so he grabbed his suitcase (with Mickey) and got on his flight. When he opened up his bag and found a dog in there, he chuckled to himself that this was "only the second dog [he] had made a mistake with in the past two days." His only regret was that no one was there to bask in his wit.

He was flying Northworst Air, so it goes without saying that his bags were misplaced. They ended up in the possession of Lions WR Charles Rogers, who was flying in after surgery to repair his collarbone. Charles was, unfortunately, on his way to smoke crack with some of his Saginasty buddies, and soon poor Mickey was getting a contact buzz. But he'd been sober for 5 years, so he fled the scene, and found his way to a local Popeye's Chicken. Some schoolchildren took pity on this famished mutt, and fed him some of Popeye's World Famous Biscuits. But it was November in Michigan, so Mickey had to head south to survive.

He eventually found his way to the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Angelina Jolie then adopted him and changed his name to Paximillian, not the first time she has arrogantly changed the name of a living thing that had already been named (and also explains why Mickey "forgot" his name). Unfortunately, the Jolie house became too crowded with exotic adopted children, and since Mickey was just born in plain old Kansas City, there was little room for him. When he was left at the Supermarket by Jolie's maid, there was no search party sent.

At this point, it had been three and a half years since Mickey had been home. He had witnessed a one-night-stand, illicit drug use by a brittle NFL receiver, and had been re-named by a Hollywood actress. He decided that was enough excitement for one lifetime, and headed East. Unfortunately for Mickey's family, dogs aren't able to read maps, let alone compasses, and he ended up in Montana via hitchhiking on pickup trucks, hopping on moving trains, and other tired cliches. Mickey is now in negotiations with HarperCollins on his autobiography, entitled If I Chew It, They Will Come: One Dog's Wild Ride Through the American Midwest.

Countries, Pt 2

2007-04-04T10:31:00.000-04:00

In case you missed yesterday's post, here's part one. I didn't include all the embassies in the first part, so here is the second installment:

Germany: They processed my document with workmanlike efficiency, and in a orderly fashion. As I was leaving, I noticed a time line on the wall listing the great events in German history, but I noticed a gap between 1940 and 1945. When I asked the man at the desk what happened, he responded with "absolutely nothing happened then!! We were all on vacation!!"

China: While I was in their building (all of 20 minutes), their staff doubled in size, they built an extra addition to the embassy, and the Korean Embassy next door became a little more nervous. Oh, and I think I heard 11 babies being born.

Spain: I arrived at 2 pm. It was closed. I came back at 4 pm. Still closed. I came back the next morning. Closed again. I went to a bar nearby at 11 pm. I finally found all the staff.

The Dominican Republic (La Republica Dominicana): I accidentally dropped my wallet and then kicked it across the floor. Before it could slide down the drain, one Dominican scooped it up with a cut-out milk carton, tossed it to the second basemen who then threw it back to me, successfully turning the double play. Another man in line was a scout for the Florida Marlins and signed him to a contract on the spot.

Colombia: I was offered coffee. I said no. I was offered drugs. I said...maybe?

Democratic Republic of Congo: I had to make three trips to their embassy, because after I typed up the cover letter they kept changing the name of their country. I finally just wrote it in pencil.

France: Unfortunately their embassy is next-door to Germany's. Before I could get there, it got invaded. I don't have to tell you that they surrendered quickly.

Nigeria: I went to Nigeria in the fall of 2002, while I was working on my novel on two Nigerians who sell uranium to Iraq to help care for their sick mother. I accidentally left it on the counter, and I think some Department of Defense guy picked it up. I hope he enjoyed reading it.

England: I befriended a rather plain Englishwoman with bad teeth, and I spent the night there (I'm not proud of it). But for some reason, the sun never set on the English Embassy. And they kicked the Spanish Armada's ass in a game of Battleship in the rec room.