Premarital Morality

I am premiering a new segment today called Premarital Morality, in which I will try to put to good use some of my very expen$ive law school education to a common issue that everyday people face, and come up with an answer that we can all feel good about. Today's topic: Handicapped stalls.

I used to feel bad about using handicapped bathroom stalls, and would never use them. But, is it really a faux pas to use them if you're not handicapped? Is using a handicapped stall like using a handicapped parking space?

No, it's not. Think about it why they are there. The handicapped stalls are probably there because ofis a government regulation requiring them to be in certain buildings. They exist so that handicapped people will have a comfortable place to go to the bathroom, with ample room. But are they there exclusively for handicapped people? No. If all the other stalls are full, and there is no one in the handicapped one, I have a right to use it. It would be unreasonable and inefficient to waste a perfectly good stall on the off-chance that a handicapped person will roll in and have to wait a few seconds. We all have to wait to use the toilet at crowded public events like concerts and sporting events (women more than men, or so I'm told). Just because you're handicapped does not mean you have a free pass every time you get to the bathroom. A wheelchair is no VIP pass, no "go to the front of the line" card. Most handicapped people want to be treated just the same as everyone else. So, they should wait with the rest of us in line at the bathroom, awkwardly making meaningless chitchat as we do our very best to not see another man's penis.

Well, aren't handicapped stalls just like handicapped parking spots? Aren't you being just as much a jerk when you use the stalls? No, it's a completely different scenario. Public bathroom trips are usually a couple of minutes, at most, which is a reasonable time to wait. You could park somewhere for hours, and really screw some people over, and that's not fair. Also, the main reason they exist is so people have a shorter walk to wherever they're trying to go. When you use their space, you're forcing them to park further away, which may cause them additional pain, which is not good. A much larger inconvenience than waiting a minute or two in the bathroom.

Now, my analysis comes with a caveat: yes, I believe we all have the same rights to those bathrooms, but use some common courtesy. If you're next in line in the bigger stalls, and you see someone on crutches limping along in pain, be a good person and let them cut in front of you. Just don't give me a dirty look when you see me exiting the spacious stalls.

For a hilarious exchange about this topic, seee Curb Your Enthusiasm episode "The Bowtie"