Dumbledore Plays For the Other Team

Harry Potter author and Tooth Fairy J.K. Rowling has announced that Dumbledore was gay. That sly charlatan has gotten us all worked up again without writing another word. She is trying to milk even more money and publicity about the characters while sitting on her ass in some fancy English villa (do they have villas in England, or are those only in Italy?) . My theory is that every year she is going to release new information about a character in order to keep her book in the news. What's in store? Only Premarital Sax has the exclusive scoop:

Hermione Granger: we will learn that she has a foot fetish. This will gross out 98 percent of the country, but that 2 percent will be buying books and rubbin' em all over their feet left and right.

Ron Weasley: it turns out that he has a third nipple. Is this relevant to the story? Not really, but it will titillate fans of the ginger wizard.

Professor Snape: we agonized about him being either good or evil throughout the book. Rowling will reveal that...he's neutral. It turns out Snape was really born in Switzerland, only wears beige colors, and was ambivalent to Voldermort's battle with Harry. He could have cared less.

And finally...Harry Potter: what didn't we know about Harry after thousands of pages, seven volumes, and millions of web posts? J.K. has saved the most glorious secret of all for Harry. When she is on her deathbed she will reveal that Harry was actually born with both male and female genitalia. When he arrived at Hogwarts, he cast the "Evanesco spell" to remove the female parts. I'm not sure if she'll go into his using of "Erecto" for his ED problems as an adult, or that he used "Engorgio" when he was nervous about how his "wand" would measure up to the other boywizards in the locker room.