Panda Pornography

A Thailand zoo is using panda pornography to stimulate the mating rituals of their pandas.

Prasertsak has prepared a DVD of pandas having sexual intercourse to show the couple, hoping the demonstration -- call it panda porn -- will inspire them to make a love connection.

I know people think they're cute and all, but pandas are pretty worthless animals overall. What kind of living organism can't have sex with each other? Should we really be playing God (or more accurately, Larry Flynt) and preventing their extinction by compiling pornographic material for them? The United States pays 2 million dollars a year to China to lease out pandas, and they're only at like 5 zoos. And it's not like pandas are becoming extinct because of global warming or humans killing them for their ivory tusks. No, they're becoming extinct because they are too prude to procreate.

I think I know what their problem is. Their standards are too high. I bet each panda is holding out for that really hot panda. The panda with a really shiny coat of fur that manages to look majestic and cute while nibbling on bamboo. The panda that picks up the check when you forget your wallet and doesn't complain about it.

But the more I think about it, the more I sympathize with these frigid creatures. There are only about 3,000 pandas living on Earth, and 180 in captivity in China. If you're one of those pandas and you live in China, you have very limited options. Assuming a 50/50 gender mix, in the entire country of China you have 90 lady panda options. That's lower than most high schools. And in a country of over a billion people, can you blame them for having trouble finding a warm body to spoon at night?

But let's not spread blame here. We should focus on results. And is the Thailand zoo doing the right thing by showing pornography? I would argue that porn is a detriment to sexual activity. Think about it, with pornography they only use the most well-endowed and talented practitioners of the craft. If you had never had sex, and only watched pornography, chances are you'll be vastly disappointed with the real thing. And even worse, you may be giving them a release for their sexual urges that doesn't result in a cute panda baby. I don't have any first hand knowledge about panda masturbation, but I'm guessing these sexless creatures are doing it a lot to survive such a prudish life.

So what should the zookeepers do? They should do what any frat guy does when he wants to lower someone's standards and create a sexual situation that won't exist otherwise: alcohol. I'm proposing that the Thai zookeepers dim the lights low and get the pandas hammered. Their may be some regret the next morning, but as long as you keep the morning after pill away from the lady panda, your job is done.