NFL Mock Mock Draft- Detroit Lions Style

I could join the hordes of amateurs on the web right now who are all coming up with their own mock drafts. But I know my limitations: I make cheap jokes and cut corners instead of acting like some sort of "analyst" or "expert." So, instead of listing who is going to draft whom with the top 10 picks, I'm going to engage in a thought experiment: what would happen to each of these players if they were to be drafted by the Lions?


Calvin Johnson
Calvin would begin his downward spiral by smoking pot with Charles Rogers, and progress to harder drugs, until he loses all his productivity. He's making too much money to be just released, so the Ford's cleverly shift him from starting wide receiver to plant manager at a River Rouge Ford Plant. He's also going to break his collarbone and gain 30 pounds

JaMarcus Russell
Much has been made about how he can throw the ball 50 yards in the air from his knees. After being drafted by the Lions, Russell is pounded so hard by defensive lineman that he just gives up and takes shotgun snaps 10 yards back already on his knees.

Brady Quinn
Quinn would start playing the piano, eat strawberries and chocolate instead of meat and potatoes, and generally lose his manhood.

Adrian Peterson
Adrian will have one spectacular season, then fax a retirement note to a local Wichita paper to announce he is retiring to spend more time with his family.

Joe Thomas
He has surprised many by announcing that he will be fishing in Wisconsin instead of flying to NYC to attend the draft. After being informed by the NFL Network camera crew that he has been drafted by the Lions, Thomas will drown himself.

Amobi Okoye
Okoye has been the feel-good story of the draft due to his status as a Nigerian immigrant who managed to graduate from Louisville at the age of 19 with a degree in psychology. After being told he has to go to Detroit, he will decide that there aren't any jobs in Michigan with just a bachelor's degree and enrolls in Wayne State Medical School full-time.

Sanjaya Malakar
Matt Millen will become confused late in the second day of the draft after consuming too much Adderrall and RBV's (Red Bull w/ Vodkas) and draft this 17 year-old Federal Way, WA resident. When later asked why he picked a fruity teenager that weighs about 120 pounds instead of an actual prospect, Millen will say "I thought I was texting American Idol, but I accidentally sent it to Roger Goodell." Ford will reward him with a 4 year extension to his contract.