I Don't Have a Square to Spare. I Can't Spare a Square

I wasn't going to write about this, because of the sensitive nature of the subject matter. But then I remember this is just a blog, and I don't have any standards of decency. What I'm talking about is the brilliant plan by rocker/environmentalist/person who knows better than you how to live your life Sheryl Crow to limit people to one toilet paper square per use:

Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required? I don't know what a millionaire like Crow eats, but those "pesky occasions" usually require more than 2 to 3. She apparently hasn't sampled the new Taco Bell 7 Layer Crunchwrap. Maybe if her 3 square limit were to be passed, astute lawmakers could write in exceptions for establishments like Taco Bell.

But, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'm not supporting her on this one. I'm with the environmentalists on most things: I ride a bike to work, I try to recycle, I steal moist towelettes from restaurants instead of buying napkins. But this is going too far. Didn't we win the Cold War so we wouldn't be waiting in long lines to get toilet paper? Isn't the whole point of modern technology to make the bathroom experience better? The reason I put up with the pollution and the high gun deaths of this country is so that I'm not in rural Haiti looking for the softest leaf that won't cause irritation.

In fact, I think, if anything, we should be more wasteful in the bathroom. How about toilets that use 10 gallons of water per flush? How about bidets they shoot Purell? Because sanitary excretion and proper clean-up is what separates us from the animals. Because if I had to wake around with a dirty nether region, I would know that I'm not any better than the monkeys I see delightedly throwing feces at each other in the zoo. And then who are we going to test our cosmetics on? You try putting mascara on a rat.