March Mental Illness

March Madness is upon us, or as I like to call it "Black Present Month." After an enlightening 28 days of celebrating the contributions from African-Americans throughout our history, in March we choose to exploit young black athletes as an excuse to leave work early or fill out pools on the company dime. With that in mind, I have decided to join the exploitation, and announce the inaugural Pre-Marital Sax Tournament (PMST). What are the rules? There are no rules. For today, I will announce the seedings from the first two regions, the Bible Belt, and the Colbert Nation. This will not be a typical tournament, with teams that duke it out on a basketball court. No, this will be a tournament of famous inanimate objects. And the winner will be chosen arbitrarily by myself (If you feel really strongly about a matchup, feel free to vote in the comments section or by e-mail (mcfors@gmail.com).

Bible Belt Region:
Location: a FEMA trailer in Biloxi, MS

1. Dick Cheney's shotgun
vs.
16. Larry King's suspenders

8. Britney Spears' hair clippers
vs.
9. Nowak's used diapers

5. The Crystal Meth Ted Haggard bought for a "friend"
vs.
12. Mark Foley's keyboard

4. Britney Spears' child safety seat
vs.
13.Dave Chappelle's ticket stub to Africa

7. Condoleeza Rice
vs.
10. Oprah's couch

2. The My Pet Goat book read by George W. Bush
vs.
15. Scooter Libby's scooter


Colbert Nation Region:
Location: the 1-mile radius around Dr. Stephen T. Colbert

1. Stephen Colbert's seed
vs.
16. Keith Ellison's Koran

8. Anna Nicole Smith's baby
vs.
9. A Duke lacrosse varsity jacket

5. John Amaechi's jock strap
vs.
12. Tim Hardaway's homophobia

4. A jar of Skippy Peanut Butter
vs.
13. Bono's sense of moral outrage

7. Tom Brady's fingernail clippings
vs.
10. A Peyton Manning endorsement check

2. Prince's phallic Super Bowl halftime guitar
vs.
15. Eddie Murphy's self-respect

So those are the first two regions, stay on the lookout for the next two regions later this week, and the exciting matchups to come! For those of you who want a printer-friendly version, I will be creating a pdf of the PMST*, so if you want to start a pool with your co-workers and friends, go right ahead!

*The PMST is a registered trademark of Pre-Marital Sax Enterprises, Inc. All rights reserved.