Presidential Nominees

Alright, everyone and their brother has now filed for the presidency (including me) so let's take another look at the field in a wide open race.
I am going to give each candidate a composite score based on five factors

Electability in the primary election (10 possible)
Electability in the general election (10 possible
Fundraising (10 possible)
Experience (10 possible)
Charm/Charisma/Clintoniumism (10 possible)
Name rhymes with something evil (-5 points)

Autobots -
Hillary Clinton 8, 3, 10, 10, 0. 31 total points.
You might find it ironic that a Clinton is woefully short Clintoniumism, but her body has about 2 parts per million of Clintonium. Whatever Billy was born with, she does not have.

Barack Obama 8, 7, 8, 2, 10, -5. 30 total points.
He can charm even the frostiest woman's pants off, and write an eloquent letter to the New York Times the next morning. If his name was Oboosevelt or Obennedy he would be our leader in the clubhouse.

John Edwards 7, 6, 5, 2, 9 29 total points
Has roughly the equal experience of Barack, and has shown thus far he isn't afraid to do things the unconventional way. What was his father's occupation? I can't remember, why don't you remind us, John?

Bill Richardson 5, 4, 4, 10, 6 29 total points.
He has arguably the most experience of anyone in the field on either side, not to mention he is Hispanic, giving the Democrats the vaunted trifecta of woman, black and Latino. I can already picture the Swiftboat ad: "Bill Richardson wants you all to speak Spanish. If you elect Bill Richardson he will make sure that all your food is just a little too spicy for your tastes."

Tom Vilsack 5, 6, 4, 9, 6, -5. 25 total points.
Loses 5 points for the horrible name of "Vilsack" (rhymes with "AFLAC," and I think we're all pretty sick of that goddamn duck at this point.)

Joe Biden, Dennis Kucinich, Chris Dodd, Captain Jack Sparrow: don't waste our time, you have no shot.

Wildcard: Al Gore: 9, 7, 8, 10, -4. 30 total points. Would have been the leader if he managed to have positive charisma, but the scars are just now healing from the 2000 election. Lockbox? C'mon now. I was barely legal to drive at the time, but I knew you screwed up.

Decepticons -
John McCain 7, 9, 7, 8, 7. 38 total points.
He wins the highest score, but be wary with this guy: if the Iraq War keeps going South he is as likely to hold the Presidency as anyone named "Wayans" winning an Oscar in my or my unborn grandson's lifetime.

Mitt Romney 7, 5, 6, 8, 7. 33 total points.
Can a Mormon flip-flopper from Massachusetts become president? And what the hell kind of name is Mitt? He mine as well could be named for another piece of baseball equipment, like Glove Romney or Jock Strap Romney. I rather like the sound of that one.

Rudy Giuliani 1, 8, 9, 6, 8. 32 total points.
If he can somehow win the primary, the Democrats are in trouble. You may think it's strange the Democrats are running women, blacks and hispanics and the Republicans have a group of nondescript Christian White Men, but Rudy is so Italian I'll count him as their minority. Italians were considered minorities at the turn of the 20th Century, and since the Republicans are acting like we're still there, they might actually think he is a minority.

Sam Brownback 10, -2, 6, 6, 4. 24 total points.
He scores the dreaded negative electability in a general election. No, our country is not composed of millions of Ann Coulter's, so I think he is kidding himself. If Michael Moore weren't so fat and was as far to the right as he is to the left, he would be Sam Brownback.

Mike Huckabee 4, 2, 2, 5, 7. 20 total points.
Yeah, you lost a lot of weight, but so what? I'm not going to vote for ANS (Anna Nicole Smith), either. Although can we all see the cross-promotion with the movie I Heart Huckabee's? I mean, they probably already have made pins and buttons, just remove the 's' and you're gold. Think of all the money he'll save.

Duncan Hunter, Tommy Thompson, Tom Tancredo, Simon Cowell: don't waste our time, either.

Wildcard: Newt Gingrich 8, 5, 7, 7, 4. 31 total points.
Newt Gingrich is one of those names that is instantly synonymous with the mid 90's, along with Janet Reno, Scottie Pippen, and Alanis Morisette. And I think we'd all be happier if he stayed there.