De-Christian-ing

I've recently declared a new religion for myself. I am now a secular humanist. I'll tell you what, though, it has started off pretty poorly. No confirmation, no bar mitzvah, no Hallmark card written to honor the occasion. I mean, what do you get the person who converts to secular humanism? A book on how you will be misunderstood and un-electable to a public office the rest of your life?
No, secular humanism has none of the perks of other religions, but then again, it is perfect for the laziest of us. No Commandments to memorize, no services to attend, no ancient languages to learn. You really dropped the ball, Christianity, so I'm directing this post as a bit of advice: you may have lost one customer, but with a couple of tweaks and minor improvements, you will have to hire ticketmaster to handle all the requests.

Move services: Sunday morning is a bad idea, so how about a happy hour service on Wednesdays at 5? We can leave work, go to a church, have a couple of drinks and get the whole thing over with in time for Lost. And we can totally sleep in and watch football guilt-free on Sundays. I really don't think God cares what day of the week you do it in.

Modify prayer: prayer is a great idea in theory, but it's not perfect. You see, every time someone prays and does not get what they asked for, they lose faith (see my annual prayer from 1993-2005 for the Lions to win the Super Bowl as Exhibit A). How do we fix this? Mandate prayers only for things that we know are going to come true. For example, why don't we pray every night that the Sun will rise up the next morning? And that we won't be mauled by a tiger? If you do happen to get mauled by a tiger, you will have bigger problems than prayer, and if you don't, hey, you weren't mauled by a tiger! It must have worked! Set the bar low and you will never be disappointed.

Sex for everyone: let's get to the nuts and bolts of the problem with religion (pardon the pun): the suppression of sexual urges. Don't covet thy neighbor's trophy wife? No sex before marriage? They are certainly making arduous demands of their patrons. Can you imagine any other business surviving with that kind of obstinacy? Do you really think I'm not going to peep out my window and not have sex until marriage because of church doctrine? You're really pushing it with that one, Christianity. Do you think Wal-Mart or McDonalds would have as many customers if they asked those things of you? No, they wouldn't, so get your act together.

Better afterlife: OK, so most major religions make big promises for the afterlife: Heaven, Valhalla, 72 virgins, Nirvana, Soundgarden. This isn't the problem. The problem is the promises aren't big enough! 72 virgins? Why stop there? Why don't we say 1,000 virgins? Or better yet, 1,000 Carrie Fisher clones from the time when she was in that bikini in Return of the Jedi? You're obviously making promises you can't keep, so just go wild. And how about Christianity? Sure, heaven sounds nice, but you're not promising enough virgins. The more virgins the better, clearly.

Books: The Koran, the Bible, great stuff. I'm not going to make fun of either of those. But in today's society, I think we need more. Would it be so hard to set up a podcast, a blog, and writer's commentary? Perhaps upload a youtube clip of the Resurrection or the Last Supper? I also want more modern language (would it hurt to throw in a few of these words: "bling," "metrosexual," and "google?" As in, "Moses google-d the desert for his people?" Just a thought.) Or better yet, adopt the Da Vinci Code as your holy book.

Christianity, you have had a great run. You have lasted more than 2000 years,which is very impressive. But you'd best shape up if you don't want to lose more people like me. Because my secular humanist preacher is totally cool.